Long or Short Capital

Here is an explanation of Johnny’s Satan’s Portfolio Investing Thesis.

Altria (ticker: MO)

Why would a $145bn market cap company change its name? If it’s business was selling products to slowly kill its customers through addictive fire-lit tobacco. Satan knows that even that kind of mortal churn is capable of generating a stream of free cash flow to reward its stockholders. He also relates personally to the business strategy implicit behind the name change:

“They are trying to bury themselves. This is a name and brand the objective of which is to make themselves invisible.”

Invisible merchant of death. Play to the Dark One’s ego, Altria, while selling your murderous and addictive macaroni & cheese.

Rambus (ticker: RMBS)

The joys of trade conferences. Open bars lead to both professional and non-professional miscegenation, with ideas and STDs flowing as much as well-liquors. Every company benefits from these exchanges, but some companies realize you can benefit a little more; by attending them, illegally secreting away your patents and watching as the trade conference seek to adopt open standards based on your non-disclosed patents. This is know as THe Rambus Way.

Even better when a company can supplement this by negotiating incredible lock-in contracts with the largest OEM in their industry despite an expensive and laggy product. Rambus was also a pioneer of the “professional patent hostageers” business model that has been adopted by publicly traded firms like the SCO Group (SCO)and private ones like NTP and lawfirms across the country. In Satan’s dream world, no one would create anything, people would only fight over what already exists.

Del Monte (ticker: DLM)

Del Monte is known as a diversified food brand, selling everything from bananas to pet food. But not only are their bananas harvested in the same unethical conditions that permeate the business, but they even operate the acquired assets of the former United Fruit Company, an all-time great. Del Monte also recently acquired Meow Mix for a 12x multiple, a huge discount to the number of times “Meow” occurs in their insidious jingle. You need to fear the the Power of Meow.