An Awful Freudian Slip on Cerberus

by Mr Juggles

Paraphrasing from NPR this morning on the circling of Daimler Chrysler (NYSE: DCX by private equity vultures:

Daimler Chrysler is reported to be exploring selling its Chrysler division. According to our sources, private qquity firm Cerberus has made several awfuls…offers for the unit.

The core competency of Cerberus is presenting firms with “awfuls”.

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  1. Josh
    March 6th, 2007 | 12:12 pm

    As a recently minted MBA I am eager to get into the Private Qquity business. I have a Google Alert set up whenever someone posts about this industry. You seem to be knowledgeable – can you please pass my resume on to your network?

  2. March 6th, 2007 | 1:10 pm

    Not to short you in public or anything, but I’ll just say I wouldn’t be buying any stock in you and leave it at that.

    Anonymous blog run anonymously by professionals is probably not the best place to break into Private Equity of all things.

    If you do want to break into PE, here is what I would recommend.

    1) Get a Harvard MBA. They only cost like $100k or so, so not that expensive.

    2) Work at some bank that does a lot of M&A or has a great pedigree or both. Alternatively you can start a fortune 1000 company, take it public, depress earnings and coerce a PE firm to initiate an MBO with you. This way, they may bring you in as a partner or you might be on their roster for operating other companies.

    3) Cross your fingers and sacrifice 11 goats to Mars.

    4) Wait.

    5) Voila.

    Failing these things, sadly it is highly unlikely you could join a PE shop.

  3. harvey
    March 6th, 2007 | 3:19 pm

    I’m confused… are we talking Private Qquity or Private Equity?

  4. JCauto
    March 6th, 2007 | 3:20 pm

    Careful with that advice, Mr. Juggles. As a newly minted reader of LoS, he may take you at your word.

  5. March 6th, 2007 | 3:24 pm

    Oh I assumed he meant Private Equity. I see where I made my mistake.

    Josh I forwarded your resume to all the best Private Qquity firms in the Land. Expect to get an email about an interview with Qqilver Lake and Qcarlyle soon. Q Investments is VERY interested too.

  6. March 6th, 2007 | 3:26 pm

    I think if he takes my advice and goes and buys a Harvard MBA, I won’t have to worry much for him at all, so I face little downside expsosure to guilt for someone following that advice.

  7. JCauto
    March 6th, 2007 | 4:15 pm

    I meant about the goat killing.

  8. March 6th, 2007 | 4:23 pm

    A little goat killing never hurt anyone; where would Carthage be if only they killed a few more goats? Probably doing better than whatever is going on in Tunisia today.

  9. March 6th, 2007 | 4:35 pm

    I’ve just received an offer from Sub Oosa! Thanks Mr. Juggles!

  10. PBateman
    March 6th, 2007 | 5:31 pm

    How much would it cost for one to get a sacrificial goat?

  11. Paul Owen
    March 6th, 2007 | 6:08 pm

    They serve them at Dorcia, you stupid F ing bastard!

  12. March 8th, 2007 | 4:58 pm

    I hear Vayner Capital Management is hiring. I think you’d be a great fit for them. Good luck!

  13. March 13th, 2007 | 1:11 am

    You can buy a 60-80 pound goat for $70. Not bad.