Is Brown the New Black?

by Johnny Debacle

Why are your lips brownIn previous reports, we have shown the light on the rising popularity of pooplet derivatives products and the growth of the “willing-to-consume-feces” demo (see related research below). A new wrinkle has been brought to our attention, a faux pooplet derivative product called Free Range Chicken Poop Lip Balm. This product contains no poop based on its description which says:

This product contains no poop!

Although not specifcally noted, our diligence indicates that it contains no free range chicken either. In fact, this lip balm is made completely out of lip balm.

Despite it being made of solely of lip balm, Free Range Chicken Poop Lip Balm glams onto two seperate idiot demographics:

  1. The aforementioned “willing-to-consume-feces” demo.
  2. People under the mistaken impression that humanely treated chickens are more delicious than tortured chickens.

These combine to form a large addressable market comprised solely of easily swayed idiots, who are ambivalent between actually consuming what they want and the feeling they are actually consuming what they want.

Recommendation: This data point indicates that there is more strength in poop than we previously believed. We raise our rating of the producers of pooplet derivative products to “Three Flushes” from our previous rating of “Two Flushes and a Firm Wafting“. Initiate faux pooplet derivative products at “Light a Match.”

Related Reseach:

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  1. timThompson
    January 17th, 2007 | 9:57 am

    Speaking as someone who has lived on a farm, free-range chickens are more delicious than battery chickens. Compare your quality of life stuffed in a cubical farm to that of your boss in his nice office. Your boss has far more opportunities to stretch and exercise (he can probably even see the sun!), and his meat will be more tender and flavorful as a result.

  2. January 17th, 2007 | 10:10 am

    How do you explain veal?

    That is some delicious tortured baby cow.

  3. January 19th, 2007 | 10:20 am

    As well as wagyu (kobe) beef?

    The only reason they’re “massaged” is because they’re kept in pens and can’t walk around to move their muscles, creating fatty delicious beef.

  4. Mr. Analyst
    January 19th, 2007 | 5:00 pm

    I agree with LOSC’s synopsis that poop and poop derived products are picking up momentum. This market is currently in it’s infancy with aspiring entrepreneurs just now realizing the potential of human and animal by-product. I predict several years of fecal-driven cottage industry with mom & pop companies like: popping up with increasing frequency and culminating in a gigantic shit rollup in 4-5 years.