I’m Short People Who Put the Canadian Flag on their Bags

by Johnny Debacle

I have seen this all over Europe, Latin America and in the Middle East, and I’m onto you….and so are the terrorists.

There are 30mm Canadians in the world, compared to ~300mm USAians, so the sheer volume of Canadian flags is laughable. What do you expect to happen when you’ve got your backpack on and are walking down a street in Istanbul and Mohammad Jihad spots you, and wants to take you hostage? Do you think it will play out like this:

Inner dialogue of Mohammad Jihad: Hmmm, I see that potential hostage, she’d look great in silk pajamas with a bag over her head. Totally alone, I can capture her with ease. Stupid American!
Mohammad Jihad: Excuse me, miss, I am taking you hostage.
“Canadian Girl”: Didn’t you see, I’m Canadian. [points to the Canadian flag patch on her Jansport backpack]
Mohammad Jihad: Oh right, sorry miss, my mistake. I draw a moral line in my terrorist activites between the white people in the western hemisphere who are American and those who aren’t American but merely passively benefit from American policies and have a lower standard of living, a lower GDP per capita, poor quality healthcare and too many Tim Horton’s. Have a good night.

How low in character do you have to be to live in a country whose flag you are afraid to bear? Answer: Very low.

How low in character do you have to be to sport a flag for a country that is inferior to your own by almost every measure except in terms of mooses and hockey sticks per capita? Answer: Even lower.

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  1. Alison
    May 2nd, 2007 | 3:20 am

    As a citizen of both Canada and the USA I am ashamed. Johnny’s comments are appalling .

    Johnny – have you ever spent time traveling through Canada? (I don’t mean to Toronto and Montreal) If not – shame on you for your ignorant comments – you have a lot to learn about your next door neighbors.
    If so, did you take the time to get to know any Canadians? (I don’t mean while wasting brain cells in a bar, but really taking the time to get to know them?)

    Perhaps you will be lucky enough to one day comprehend why Americans, Canadians, and citizens of other countries take care to sport a Canadian flag while traveling abroad. If you think it boils down to boasting GDP, Hockey Sticks and “Mooses” (nice English skills)per capita you are clearly delusional.

    Hopefully one day you will comprehend that Canadians are respected all over the world for their morals, values and for being generally well liked.

    Further…how insulting to our fellow Americans that you should accuse them of supporting an “inferior” country. Pull your head out of your A** and look at the world around you. Its not a crime to support other countries.

    Grow up buddy. You’re giving so much weight to a stereotype of Americans that people such as myself have been fighting to erase for decades. In fact, its plausible that this very stereotype is the reason for the abundance of Canadian flags on backpacks all over the world.

    Good luck to you. I hope that one day you’re able to see the world through clear lenses.

  2. May 2nd, 2007 | 9:26 am

    You dumb Canuck, you walked right into that one, eh?

    The insecurity you feel for being Canadaian, implied from your response, rings very true to me since you can’t pick up context well enough to understand when you are knee-deep in satire. You are too busy with your blinders on, working yourself into a tizzy about something “appalling” which is actually just a satirical post on a satirical blog.

    You know what I save “appalling” for, you dumb Canuck?

    I save it for describing Darfur where 500 people have been dying per day for 4-5 years.
    I save it for the conditions in the City of the Dead in Cairo.
    I save it for the conditions in most of sub-Saharan Africa, where lives have little to no value.
    I save it for what is going on in Guantanamo Bay or the Daniel Pearl beheading.

    Those are “appalling” things; a post on a satirical blog can’t be “appalling” except to someone so shallow, and out of touch with what actually matters as you, you warthhog faced vomitous mass.

  3. Zippy
    June 15th, 2007 | 12:50 pm

    Classic rebuttal, Johnny D. Love your cynicism and appreciate your satire.

  4. chris
    July 10th, 2007 | 4:16 pm

    Excellent princess bride reference.

  5. Smaj
    July 11th, 2007 | 4:06 pm

    Canadians and Americans are basically the same thing. Canada is a significant asset of the American economic empire, but a colony all-the-same. The sooner (we) Canadians figure that out the better, in my mind. Canadians may have gleaned some international political respect for our morals, values and general good nature 30 years ago; but since knowledge like our brutal apartheid of First Nations, our ineffectual environmental policy and our inability or lack of conviction to support missions like UN Peace-Keeping and freedom in Darfur, we have lost even that political respect.
    As for Canadians as people: aggregately, we are almost entirely identical to Americans in every way – like Hires Root Beer and Mug Root Beer, most of the differences are simply marketing. Both are, generally speaking, good natured, well intending, friendly people who are not actually willing to sacrifice anything for their morals, values and good will, but are sure willing to vocalize that they have them in spades.
    If you hate Canadians, you hate Americans, and vise versa. Similarly, if you love Americans, you love Canadians, and vise versa.

  6. Alex
    March 26th, 2008 | 4:14 am

    worse heatlh care than usa? your kidding right? sweden is far better in many areas compared to usa.

  7. Head
    April 19th, 2009 | 8:23 pm

    Poor quality healthcare?
    Being a Canadian who can take a joke, i was almost loling with this post until that last part came up and totally killed it. You clearly have no idea that the US has the saddest excuse of a healthcare system on the planet.