Long or Short Capital to Become Bank Holding Company

by Mr Juggles

Long or Short Capital has received preliminary approval to become a bank holding company as of November 13th 2008. Long or Short Capital, through absolutely no fault of management, has been hit by The Perfect Storm of Perfect Storms. This storm impaired our capital and destroyed our ability to continue paying lucrative dividends to subscriberholders. These dividends are the lifeblood for our investors/readers, many of whom derive the majority of a minority of their income from Long or Short Capital dividends. Transforming the company from a purely fictional producer of financial satire into a bank holding company will allow Long or Short Capital to access the TARP, the Fed discount window, and the slush fund to pay US auto workers*. The company plans to immediately draw down the full amount of money available and prudently pay it out immediately to our subscriberholders after first contributing heavily to the executive pension fund and rewarding management performance with large bonuses. We anticipate there will also be a meaningful amount of embezzlement, but only to a level that is market. We appreciate the continued support of all our stakeholders.

*for voting Democrat (Thank You!)

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  1. TB
    November 13th, 2008 | 10:17 am

    This is a horrible decision. Now LoS will have to deal with Fed oversight on its posts – has Bernanke ever intentionally made you laugh?? I think they could have got by, by securitising old columns and selling them to the middle-east and getting government backing for a merger with a tamer satirical website such as borowitzreport.com

  2. November 13th, 2008 | 2:18 pm

    The Treasury will be taking non-voting shares in LoS. There is some chance that, after paying out the entirety of the federal money in compensation and dividends, we begin to feel like the government is exerting undue pressure on our business. In that scenario, we will happily re-form our talent-based business elsewhere.

  3. Pleb
    November 13th, 2008 | 6:00 pm

    Don’t worry about it. This is nothing that can’t be fixed by questioning the basic tenets of capitalism, implementing massive new social spending programs, and a huge tax hike. It’s the change you’ve been hoping for.

    But what I want to know, is why do I have to go 90 days delinquent on my mortgage to get the government to pay it for me? I’ve been good and kept it paid up to date and all, even bought on a 30 year fixed after putting down a substantial downpayment (Sucka!). It’s unfair that I should have to put up with panicky phone calls from my local bank (okay, from their call center in India, fine…), all those “pay up or DIE” letters, and all that stressful hassle for three months until I can get the help I need. Rest assured, I’ll do what I have to do to get bailed out of this mess I’m in, but I just think it’s unfair I have to wait for three months before I can get help. Can you believe that people like you suckered me into going into debt for 30 years just to pay for a house? This is a typical example of the kind of abuse that the outgoing Administration not only tolerated, but actively encouraged. It’s so not fair, that I have a good mind to drive my Volvo to the bank tomorrow and yell at the tellers, those bastards.

  4. November 13th, 2008 | 11:12 pm

    @ Juggles

    But how will you possibly obtain funding for your new endeavor?!

  5. Richard Roma
    November 14th, 2008 | 10:08 pm

    Mr Juggles,

    I hope this isn’t finalized. Would you
    possibly see if Buffett would swallow a $4 billion
    5% convertible preferred share issue instead?

  6. Matt
    November 15th, 2008 | 10:48 am

    I have decided to go delinquent on my rent payments. It is only fair that the US government modify my rental agreement with my landlord to bring it down to 31% of my current DTI.

    I mean sure they want to keep me in my home right? RIGHT?

  7. November 15th, 2008 | 8:43 pm

    @ matt

    You rent, its not “your” home. However, if you had taken out a 110% LTV option arm to “buy” a home, it would be “yours.”

    Makes sense, no?

  8. HF
    November 17th, 2008 | 11:18 am
  9. HF
    November 17th, 2008 | 11:19 am

    Are spider drawings accepted as payment for any debts towards your bank?