On Your Deathbed, You Will Long for Love, You Will Have None, Unless…
by Johnny DebacleValentine was a saint by some accounts. By other more masculine accounts, Valentine was a cruel master, only interested in ensuring that men were immured in love. At this, Valentine was a complete success. He built his day to be the perfect prison, the Alcatraz of holidays.
Some relationship-ensnared men have tried to escape, oh yes, they have tried. Every attempt has led to either a drowning in the cool rivers of Nosex or a plunging to the steeped tips of Shivintheribwhilesleeping. As your advisor, as someone who is paid to be smarter than you, and most importantly (but least sincerely), as your friend, we implore you not to try to escape. Your best bet is to give in, to roll over and focus on surviving.
Survival requires one thing — buying your girlfriend one of the following: flowers or chocolates or shiny shit. Again, as your advisor and friend, we have helped you out and provided below a handy link to the VERY best supplier of flowers and chocolates in the whole world, FTD.com. Please, for your own sake, not for ours in any way, click the link below and buy something for your girlfriend before you find your lungs suffuse with the frigid waters of the river Nosex.
- Make the World Better by Buying Stuff Not For Others
- Buy Your GF Flowers Now. Get It Done.
- Everybody's Gonna Get Laid Except You
- Improve Christmas Efficiency by Buying Stuff for Yourself
- Hedge Funds and Love
- Relationship Exchange Rates
- Dear Girl, I'm long you
On my deathbed, I will receive total consiousness
gunga gulunga
if i click on your ad, will it improve my dividend?
Great way to subsidize your purchase of shiny shit for your GF so you don’t drown in the frosty waters of Nosex.
Weaksauce…
Your FTD link only works for people in the US? otherwise we get sent to Smiley Central!!!
What about all the bankers who’ve bought a small island and retired?
@ Wa-izzle:
If you can afford your own island & insist on hitting up FTD instead of bulgari, you’re pretty screwed my friend (and surely not in the way you’re intending to be).
@ JD
Shameless
Um, don’t you know what goes around comes around? Surely your highly intelligent self has heard of http://www.steakandbjday.com
You might actually want to put a little effort into Valentine’s day and enjoy a holiday of your own.
@ girl
Certainly I didn’t mean that I had bought an island and retired! It was purely hypothetical. I clean the docks at Canary Wharf for all those bankers with islands and I was crushed that they may not be able to use FTD.