Tap That Bank, Tap That Bank, Tap That Bank

by Johnny Debacle

Like Fortis, Tina Kandelaki is also being tapped with this Russian oligarch's liquidityThis headline teaser caught my eye this morning on WSJ.com:

“Russian Investor Backs Fortis

Fortis is tapping a Russian billionaire for a $630 million capital injection, a sign that banks are looking beyond Asian and Middle Eastern investors for help shoring up their shaky finances.”

  1. It seems more apt to say that the Russian billionaire is the one doing the tapping, right before he injects $630 million in liquidity.
  2. A Russian billionaire is really looking far beyond Asian and Middle Eastern investors. Totally different beast. Instead of being an extremely wealthy oligarch in a corrupt totalitarian state whose wealth is 100% dependent on commodities, the Russian billionaire is a wealthy oligarch in a corrupt tsarist state whose wealth is 100% dependent on commodities.
  3. A Reuters report has attributes these comments to Fortis (Brussels: FORB) chairman Maurice Lippens on the overall transaction: “Fortis expects no more capital raising.” According to our proprietary translation algorithm, that statement indicates that investors should expect the raising of significant additional capital.

Recommendation: Read the linked Wikipedia article on the Russian investor, Suleyman Kerimov, it’s mindblowing. His nickname is “Russia’s Richest Civil Servant”, the source of his significant wealth cannot actually be determined and he has a yacht named “Ice.” Oh and he is also tapping the oligarchbait above (with his liquidity).

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  1. Pleb
    June 30th, 2008 | 2:03 pm

    Interesting. I wonder if he made them a proffer they couldn’t refuse.

  2. Dr Dunk
    June 30th, 2008 | 2:26 pm

    What made you think Lippens was speaking of intention rather than ability? Granted, I’m not going to RTFA.

  3. Strattie
    June 30th, 2008 | 2:53 pm

    Tinechka is a bit of, what we would call in the Western World, a high priced hooker or call girl, escort? The Brits like to refer to them as Roses.

  4. June 30th, 2008 | 2:58 pm

    @ #3

    Girl is going to crucify me for this, but, I mean, aren’t they all (at least in Russia?)?


  5. JoeJim
    June 30th, 2008 | 3:09 pm

    The ones in Russia are pretty bad but the ones you really gotta watch out for are those who make it OUT of Russia.

  6. american bandersnatch
    June 30th, 2008 | 5:57 pm

    Analyst: I only know one billionaire, but to him all women appear to be prostitutes.

  7. Size
    June 30th, 2008 | 7:48 pm

    Love the conversation. As one of the ones who made it out of Russia…

    Most Russians – men and women – are whores. It’s the only way to get ahead in a totalitarian country. As my aunt (who lives in Moscow, basking in Putin’s glow) says, “those of us who don’t whore ourselves out live in shit”. Translated literally it’s “up our ass”. All the Russian billionaires bent over for a shocking number of Medvedevs to get to the line where they were handing out billions. Them’s your choices: whore or abject poverty. It’s a great system. Much better than the evil capitalist exploitation system they have here in America.

  8. Agnew McSpankypants
    June 30th, 2008 | 7:54 pm

    Mr. Bandersnatch, it was probably his astute, unalloyed observational skills that led to the series of decisions that made him a billionaire in the first place.

  9. leveraged finance
    July 1st, 2008 | 3:17 am

    According to you favorite Spanish newspaper, Kadhafi (the one of Libian fame) is also investing in Fortis.

    Long: Banking to ‘special’ individuals
    Short: Honesty, UBS

  10. Strattie
    July 1st, 2008 | 9:41 am

    I came to the states from Crimea, right at the fall of Berlin wall. Crimea was then and still is a playground so we always had loot and loaded people. Don’t take me wrong, they still eliminated the unwanted and raised the loyal, but they were practical about it. They had their period of building up the mob then they eliminated the underlings and now the bosses run the banks and hold the land.

    JoeJim and Size I think that the poor people whore them selves to get ahead, nouveau russe like nouveau riche are gaudy, desperate people.

    I know a lot of billionaires, my godfather was one and I’ve dated a couple, and it stays true that old money are less visible and less flashy, they don’t have to prove their wealth. Where as the nouveau are ridiculous.

  11. July 1st, 2008 | 1:34 pm

    @ 9:41

    Are you saying its “ridiculous” for Roman Abromavich to own a fleet of mega yachts?

    Surely, that is not a sign of his ostentatious nature, but his secretly (or not so much) preparations to start a pirate navy to overthrow the Kremlin!

  12. billy
    July 1st, 2008 | 10:40 pm

    Oh yeah, #10? Oh yeah? Well I know a lot of trillionaires.

  13. bfellows
    July 2nd, 2008 | 4:07 am

    @billy – you must know Mugabe

  14. JoeJim
    July 2nd, 2008 | 8:11 am

    That is the ugliest yacht I have seen in a while. Looks like an overgrown Serbian trawler

  15. billy
    July 2nd, 2008 | 2:45 pm

    @fellows: Yes, among other African dicktasters.