The Answers

by Kaiser Edamame

Do not call it a comeback. We have literally been here for years, literally.

We know you didn’t miss us. But you probably didn’t NOT miss us. You know why you did and didn’t miss us? Because you’ve been making ALL the monies. You, you savvy reader, spent 10 years just going around and asking people for their money, borrowing more money against that money (that isn’t yours remember), and then investing the people’s money and the borrowed money into things those people could have bought themselves for free, but, hey, fees. Those people want to pay fees and who are you to stop them? Gotta give the people what they want.

But now it’s that time. That time when all those pedantic people are looking at their semi-fictional account balances and suddenly…well they have questions. And YOU, well you are *supposed* to have the answers. But you don’t because you’ve been too busy talking to Stanford badminton coaches about the bribe situation and your wife about the merits of the “back door”. But it’s ok. WE HAVE THE ANSWERS. Here is a list of them.

The Answers

1. No, sorry.

2. This isn’t 2008, this is 1962, but different. Look at a stock market chart since 1962. Was that a good time to call up your worst performing fund and get mad? Exactly. That was a time to trip on LSD, listen to Bob Dylan, and start a computer company. Why don’t you try that Mr. Smarty Pants Cardiac Surgeon Man? And tell your dentist friends to lose my number like I lost their money.

3. I’d be happy to do that…except for the lockup. My hands are tied, it’s the rules. They aren’t MY rules, I mean they are rules that I wrote, and rules that I told you not to worry about. But they aren’t MINE so much as they are YOURS. But I’m sure you understand that as I see here that you are an accredited investor.

4. April 28th. That’s the bottom, unless it’s not, in which case I apologize in advance.

5. There is nothing you can do. Just relax, this is what you pay me for. If you owned index funds you would be down just as much, or maybe a little less. But you would have no one to call! Aren’t you glad you’re not in that terrible, lonely position?

6. My family is great, thanks for asking. Wife is a babe, kids get good grades, and none of them like talking to me. So things are perfect.

Recommendation: Everyone in the world is Long Questions right now. Sell Questions. Get Long Answers, quickly.

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