Thoughts As People Attempt to Put Their Carry-On Luggage In Overhead Bins on Commuter Flights

by Johnny Debacle

Look at this asshole. This is why a woman could never be president. It’s called planning. Here’s an idea for a plan — don’t make your carry-on weigh more than that which you could hoist over your head. Why? Because you will probably have to hoist it over your head. Asshole.

Upon watching a slightly more attractive woman doing the same thing:

Should I help? I should probably help. I wonder what firm she works for. Lawyer? IR? Pharmaceutical sales rep? Look at the way her body pushes out of the dress. Maybe I should just stay sitting and watch her. Is that creepy? God I’m glad that no one can read my thoughts.

How long does it take to fold a coat? And is that even what he is doing? What ARE you doing old man? Just standing in the aisle idly, while there is a whole queue behind you getting all….queued up and shit. We all have to sit down ASAP! Time is much less on your side than on mine, so why don’t you feel any expediency? I am literally watching you die as you dawdle. What does he know that I don’t? Maybe he gets it. He definitely gets it. What don’t I get? I hate him.

Wait…why does he have wheels on that thing? There can’t be anything more than a laptop in that and maybe some paper. If there was a way to sterilize him I would, for the sake of mankind. A bag has to be the size of half a golden retriever in order to have wheels. Man that would be horrible, how would you cut it in half, lengthwise or widthwise? Maybe it’s not the best measurement. I’ll use a bear head instead. Grizzly bear head. This is the new FAA bag size regulation measurement unit for the retention of manliness and balls. If a bag isn’t as big as a grizzly bear head, you cannot have wheels on it and pull it. Done.

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  1. Laughing Very Hard Now
    December 11th, 2007 | 12:22 pm

    What about the version for very attractive woman doing the same thing….???

  2. Charlie McDanger
    December 11th, 2007 | 12:47 pm

    Twain did a riff on how one might shoot half a dog. Homage? Theft? Independently inspired genius?

  3. December 11th, 2007 | 12:52 pm

    I have read one Twain book in my life and I was 14. Also I am a genius. Thus the only conclusion is that of independently inspired genius.

    I actually started off trying to base the size of the bag on the area below a man’s neck and above their pelvis but then realize that didn’t work either. Grizzly bear head is just perfect.

    As to the version for a very attractive woman, that would be unpublishable*.

    *Unpublishable should be read as “likely to be included in our next version”.

  4. Ignatius
    December 11th, 2007 | 12:52 pm

    I don’t think Shania Twain even reads this blog.

  5. December 11th, 2007 | 2:56 pm

    The moral is that you know shit is bad when your hedge fund has to get rid of its Citation X and you have to wrinkle your Kiton in the cabin of a commercial jet. Damn credit crunch.

  6. Shania Twian
    December 11th, 2007 | 6:39 pm

    Grizzly bear heads are a better comparison.

  7. Ignatius
    December 12th, 2007 | 12:46 am

    Holy smokes. I thought I was wrong ’til I realized it was Shania “Twian.” What are the chances of that?

  8. Matt
    December 12th, 2007 | 4:00 am

    Girls are bitches, not assholes. The first one may in fact actually be of the “ugly and dumpy” variety, most often spotted in its natural habitat of all the cubicles next to mine.

  9. sawdust
    December 12th, 2007 | 11:41 am

    Simple rule – if you can not carry it, it is not carry-on luggage.

  10. Dire Rhea
    December 12th, 2007 | 2:09 pm

    Brilliant, #10. I’m surprised Confucius didn’t say it first.

    By the way, if it’s a dead bear, it’s still carrion.

  11. Jeff
    December 12th, 2007 | 2:32 pm

    If it’s too heavy to take to the overhead bin in row 30 (where your seat is), it’s not carry-on luggage.

    (And yes, that means you, asshole who puts his luggage up in row 2 then walks to the back of the plane).

  12. Charlie McDanger
    December 12th, 2007 | 3:03 pm

    The good news is, if a bunch of Saudis ever try to board one of our planes and exceed the carry-on limit, a band of LoS readers will be there to stop them.

    Never again.