Readers Please Make a Market

by Johnny Debacle

I have a wedding to attend and need to know the correct amount to spend on a wedding gift. They are registered in places online such that I can buy gifts ranging from $10-200 and more than one gift, to achieve the exact basket of flatware, plates, toaster ovens and bedding I desire to give as a gift.

What is the market price to balance the rational desire not to spend money and the rational desire not to insult a friend and his whore of a wife. I’m setting the price at $150 (too much, too little?) for what I should spend and will adjust it for whatever amount the comments indicate, ignoring extreme outliers. I will spend whatever the adjusted amount is as of market close May 9th 2006. Help me find my optimal level of wedding gift expenditure.

Price as of May 9th, 4:00PM: $140, down 15 points since market close yesterday, down 10 pts from its opening level at May 8th 1:45PM, down 5 pts since May 8th 3:45PM, up 5pts from the opening bell of May 9th on light volume

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  1. May 8th, 2007 | 1:49 pm

    A suggestion, even if it is perhaps overly simplistic:

    Spend $150, but spend it on something other than the gift registry; something your friend would enjoy, without regard to getting married.

    Think “asset allocation”.

  2. May 8th, 2007 | 1:52 pm

    Those assets have already been allocated about a month ago. It was a private placement for qualified investors only.

  3. Billy Ray Human
    May 8th, 2007 | 2:17 pm

    We see “whore wife” as a negative factor in valuing the union

    $150 – $50 = $100

  4. brian
    May 8th, 2007 | 2:21 pm

    take a guess at what your buddy is shelling out for your plate and any guests of yours, and try to match that.. discount for whoriness if you must

  5. MGW
    May 8th, 2007 | 3:16 pm

    We have a hot tip that “whorish wife” has the long range potential to jump in value due to the exercising of divorce options. “Whorish wife” would then be valued at between 50%-80% of the union’s book value and will also have future cash flows from the other half on tap.

    Recommendation: Long “whorish wife” by investing in expensive, girly gifts, for the wedding present.

    Target Price: $180

  6. EJS
    May 8th, 2007 | 3:22 pm

    A true mini-baller grabs the most expensive thing on the registry. Get it done, hitter.

  7. ef
    May 8th, 2007 | 3:24 pm

    agree w/ billy ray but would suggest different approach:
    –$100 on present
    –$50 (on top of any existing planned expenditures) for your friend on lap dances at bachelor party

  8. May 8th, 2007 | 3:34 pm

    Parsing through the prices

    It looks like we have votes for $100, $180, $299 (upper limit of registry items) and $100. After some smoothing

    New price is $140.

  9. Poseidon
    May 8th, 2007 | 3:39 pm

    Short Dealbreaker for the bullshit they pulled on Equity Private. Drive it into the ground.

  10. The Dude
    May 8th, 2007 | 3:49 pm


  11. May 8th, 2007 | 3:57 pm

    EJS is right a mini-baller never hesitates.
    But since you already did: $300/(r-g)^(1/t)
    r: Rate of marriage deterioration (weighted average of breast saggage and general wifely annoyance)
    g: Marriage potential growth (i.e. he got her knocked up, her daddy got him a job at his firm)
    t: Expected time until divorce

  12. May 8th, 2007 | 4:29 pm

    I don’t think they outed her but I have zero idea why they would have tried to — kinda not cool. They have had a good relationship so it doesn’t fit, but I guess anything for a post?

    I would out my own mother for a line of cocaine, so who am I to judge?

  13. May 8th, 2007 | 5:10 pm

    That formula led to $336.60

  14. May 8th, 2007 | 5:15 pm

    She must have some perky breastuses.

  15. May 8th, 2007 | 5:24 pm

    $125 off the registry, before tax and shipping.

    But it’s minimum $200 (for 2 guests) if you’re writing a check.

  16. May 8th, 2007 | 5:28 pm

    The recent spate of activity pushed it back up to $155. It ain’t easy having mini-baller readers.

  17. arty
    May 8th, 2007 | 5:35 pm

    The best gift is something made with your own hands. Suggest spending $5 at Michaels Arts and Crafts, and outsourcing the actual labor to an illegal immigrant or a Philippino kid at 15 cents/hour.

  18. May 8th, 2007 | 6:01 pm

    Do what I do. Based on your guidelines, pick something between $150 and $200. Call it $175, for your calculations.

    While browsing the gift sites, find something for yourself that you can’t live without that costs at least what you spent on the bride and groom, possibly even double or more. Buy it for yourself at the same time to save on shipping.

  19. chris
    May 8th, 2007 | 6:18 pm

    the kettle is correct. checks or cash must be a round number. Anything less than $200 is weak.

    Rules are entirely different in the south.

  20. TheUnrepentantGunner
    May 8th, 2007 | 8:45 pm

    just a friend? hmmm. id drop to at least 150, but make sure its an item sufficiently esoteric as to mask its true value, preferably off the registry.

  21. Aspiring Mini-Baller
    May 8th, 2007 | 11:02 pm

    There should be a variation of mini-baller roulette appropriate for your conundrum.

  22. TheBigE
    May 9th, 2007 | 6:17 am

    Custom allows that you can give a gift up to a year after the wedding. Assuming that gift would have cost 150 and you want to give it today — 142.42.

  23. The Dryer
    May 9th, 2007 | 9:07 am

    $150 in cash. The groom is your friend, and he could give a shit about 99% of the crap on the registry. $250 – $300 if you are taking a date, which sounds expensive, but you will get laid since your date will inevitably take her invitation as a sign that you are more into her than you really are. The extra $100 – $150 is still less than a good hooker.

  24. harvey
    May 9th, 2007 | 9:12 am

    what’s the market on the may 9 puts @ $155? I think the gift is coming way cheaper. I see myself covering this one around $135.

  25. May 9th, 2007 | 9:36 am

    The opening bell pegs it at $135.

  26. May 9th, 2007 | 12:10 pm

    The vega is getting significant. Can I straddle the whore wife?

  27. Trader Stu
    May 9th, 2007 | 1:08 pm

    $135 seems a bit undervalued on P/CF and P/E metrics (I assume, I haven’t seen your latest audited financials). I’d think this is a short term trade opportunity up to the $150 area.

  28. Cincinnatus_C
    May 9th, 2007 | 1:13 pm

    “The vega is getting significant. Can I straddle the whore wife?”

    hurry up, before the groom enters into a strangle.

  29. Bitchtern
    May 10th, 2007 | 2:24 pm

    I love this webiste.

    That being said: it is my suggestion to invest the money you would spend on the nuptial gift for mid-term (3y-5y) capital appreciation. This will help offset the expected IPO costs when your friend re-enters the market.

    The wife is a lot like a private equity firm. She finds a good takeover target, buys it, levarages its’ assets, and then dumps into the market. Also they are both whores. That’s why I like them.

    Or spend it now on a private investigator in hopes of finding something about the whore that the unsuspecting would-be husband doesn’t know. Then announce your findings durring the wedding ceremony, or shortly before.

    Sometimes to do whats right for a friend you have to lose them, but isn’t sacrifice the truest form of love? That’s not rhetorical, I don’t know about those matters.

  30. MTT
    May 14th, 2007 | 1:31 pm

    If it’s a good friend, sack up and spend $150.

    If it’s some college acquaintance that you don’t really give a sh*t about, then pull a Costanza. “$500 has been donated in (Bride’s Name) to the (made-up charity).” Then spend the money on lap dances, and know that the bride will now hook you up with all of her hot friends based on your apparent generosity and sensitivity.