Satan’s Portfolio: RICK PTR TXT

by Johnny Debacle

Here is an explanation of Johnny’s Satan’s Portfolio Investing Thesis.

Rick’s Cabaret (NASDAQ: RICK)

Rick’s Caberet is a $50mm market cap company which operates strip joints gentlemen’s clubs aimed at Wall Street and at executives at large. The firm’s online division owns/operates “adult entertainment Internet Web sites, including that features adult content;, a personals site for those in the swinging lifestyle; and, an online adult auction site that contains consumer-initiated auctions for items, such as adult videos, apparel, photo sets, adult paraphernalia, and other erotica”.

Pulled directly from the last RICK conference call: “I would like to invite everyone out tonight to our New York City club for our Due Diligence Ball at 50 West 33rd in New York.” A publicly traded strip club and porn supplier which offers investors a “Due Diligence Ball”? Satan says “Giggity giggity…alright.”

PetroChina (NYSE: PTR)

Does your company ruthlessly seek out oil assets in the ickiest places in the world? Check. Did Harvard’s Corporation Committee on Shareholder Responsibility recommend that the Harvard Management Company divest itself of PTR? Check. Does your company look the other way when it comes to genocide in Darfur? Check. Does your company have the explicit backing and support of the world’s 2nd most ruthless government? Check. Welcome to Satan’s portfolio.

Textron (NYSE: TXT)

Textron is an $11 billion market cap firm who “primarily manufactures general aviation aircraft worldwide” but the Bell segment supplies and makes “helicopters [and] weapons, airborne and ground-based surveillance systems, aircraft landing systems, hovercraft, search and rescue vessels, armored vehicles and turrets, reciprocating piston aircraft engines, aircraft and missile control actuators.” And for the kids, Clusterbombs!

Sometimes we don’t have to make the call, the public will do it for us. In this case, Brown students staging die-ins outside Textron’s offices let us know exactly what Textron is all about. One of the protesters signs leadingly asked “Are you in the business of killing?” The answer is yes, and the lucrative blood of innocents is what makes Satan’s Portfolio’s returns so juicy.

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  1. PBateman
    March 27th, 2007 | 9:25 am

    Johnny, you really need to re-evaluate your ruthless government rankings. I’d put China behind at least Russia, Venezuela, N Korea, and that doesn’t even include Africa.

  2. To The Hilt
    March 27th, 2007 | 11:00 am

    Most ruthless government: New York City.

    Taxes are killing me.

  3. The Dryer
    March 27th, 2007 | 11:00 am

    Recommend going long a basket of China. Given the countries strong, high conviction, positions in environmental degradation (both domestically and abroad), bribery and graft, market manipulation, happy endings, and general bent for skullduggery generating shareholder value, I feel the nation as a whole deserves an overweighted position in Satan’s Portfolio.

    Additional selling points for the China basket play: National color – Red, Politicians are referred to as “Party members”, Long history of pissing off those with “Free Tibet” bumper stickers.

  4. March 27th, 2007 | 11:42 am


    N korea and vzuela are crazy but mostly ineffectual, V less so but neither is a scary ruthless economic power. China is way more ruthless but of course pales next to Russia where 75 percent of the gov and business is run by ex-kgb or ex-the soviet equivalent of the fbi

  5. PairOfSox
    March 27th, 2007 | 12:35 pm

    I see PTR in lot of Emerging Markets portfolios. If you don’t care about all that other stuff, it’s an awesome stock.

  6. chris
    March 27th, 2007 | 2:43 pm

    Basket is out. Should be bucket of china. See WSJ.

  7. The Dryer
    March 27th, 2007 | 3:52 pm

    “Basket” is the backlash to the oversold “bucket”. Proof that bucket is in its 4th act is the WSJ article. Basket is just retro enough to be nowtro. It a fast paced world out there, try and keep up.

  8. Law talking Guy
    March 28th, 2007 | 10:40 am

    TXT is also one of the largest manufacturers of…golf carts. Is acceptable within the Satan Portfolio IPS?

  9. March 28th, 2007 | 1:40 pm

    Wait, you don’t think golf carts are evil? Seriously? They are the very carriage of satan himself.

    Golf is an expansive suck down of resources from water to land to the productive time of humans. It is perhaps the most wasteful activity that most ppl do

  10. TheUnrepentantGunner
    March 28th, 2007 | 7:29 pm

    how long before clearchannel is considered?

  11. ah
    March 29th, 2007 | 10:43 am

    Wanna see something pretty funny? Graph RICK against Crude…

  12. Vodka Blockage
    March 29th, 2007 | 12:48 pm

    Don’t forget about PTT (VCG Holding)!

  13. April 5th, 2007 | 2:07 pm

    Reviewing your portfolio picks puts me in a quandary.

    If a Christian invests his personal funds in Satan’s portfolio, it is clear that he is doing it solely for personal gain, thus sinning.

    However, if he invests a church’s funds in Satan’s portfolio, with the intent of maximizing returns for new church projects, such as outreach, marketing, parsonage and church construction, pastor vehicle replacement, etc., then is he not doing God’s work, by using Satan against himself?

    I must consider this further.

    The Lord doubtless thanks you, as do I, for these profitable portfolio picks! Now, I must pray on this matter.