WSJ Tell Me What Stocks Will Do

by Johnny Debacle

Every morning, my favorite moment is when I first log onto What will the market be up to today, Will stocks SURGE? Are they poised to open up? Or set for a weaker start? Or will it be more of an “edge” than a “start”.

Their permutations which change every 5 minutes are the best market intel out there. The WSJ is all knowing. During the day you might see:

“Stocks rebounded with authority, like a young Charles Oakley, on hopes of a Fed cut in September.”

It’s only August now, but let’s not quibble with meaningless details. You might also see:

“Stocks declined on jitters and news of jitters and the possibility of more news on jitters. Europe treaded water.”

“Stocks love cartwheels; markets set to spin.”

“Caution down below; market openings point to a steep downward motion.”

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  1. August 24th, 2007 | 9:30 am

    The Oakman — my prize possession from the glory days of the Knicks is my Oakely’s Car Wash t-shirt . . .

  2. cmsd2
    August 24th, 2007 | 11:59 am

    “Caution down below; market openings point to a steep downward motion.”

    Damn. I just got some weird looks in my office when I started chortling at that last line 🙂

    It’s funny cos it’s true, and there’s nothing like a bit of gallows humour at a time like this.

    chris. [name of employer witheld]

  3. cmd
    August 24th, 2007 | 1:10 pm
  4. August 31st, 2007 | 4:48 pm

    Of course during the day the descriptions of stock movements can be equally amusing. Perhaps a standard taxonomy is needed to allow readers to compare apples to apples: