Archive for December, 2009
December 20, 2009
TE OCCIDERE POSSUNT SED TE EDERE NON POSSUNT NEFAS EST.
-roughly translated: “They Can Kill You, But the Legalities of Eating You Are Quite a Bit Dicier”
December 19, 2009
- Awesome: Fake steve talks to ATT CEO. http://bit.ly/5QzdfB #
- Hail to the public sector. http://bit.ly/77z0pK #
- @felixsalmon I fail to see any destroying happening in that article. in reply to felixsalmon #
- Gladiator fight, one guy is blindfolded and has a dagger, other can see but has no dagger. Who wins and why? Show your work #
December 18, 2009
I work for a bank in London. Or rather, I had been working for a bank in London, and now, I have to fight for not only my job, but my life. You see, after the recent bumper bonus tax, my firm is downsizing its staffing levels in London. Some jobs are being relocated to more favorable geographies; others like mine, well, they are being fought over. In a gladiatiorial ring. With knives and nets and shit.
You see my bank, decided to just give the British government what they really want — bankers’ blood. Half a billion pounds sterling is a drop in the bucket, but cutting down bankers for the masses is worth its weight in gold. So for the bank employees who want to continue to be 1) employed in 2) London, my bank is having us step into the ring.
All of which leads to my question. My fight is scheduled for the next bank holiday in Green Park. It will be a duel between a combatant who is completely blindfolded but has a dagger against a man who has full use of his vision, but has no weapon. He who lives, works. As a Senior VP I have the right to choose which combo I’d prefer. I know you have been going through something similar recently, what would you do here?
In the kingdom of the blind the one-eyed man is king. I’ve never had the opportunity to say that in context, so today is a good day amicus (gladiator for friend). A no-brainer — choose sight and then fight a battle of attrition. He can only use that dagger in close, and he cannot flail it around wildly without having to stop. Pick your spots — if you see an opening kick him in the balls, then retreat tactically. Is he crouched in a protective fetal crouch? Maneuver so you can kick him in the head, and again tactically retreat. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. Veni. Vidi. Vici. Just grind him down like this, until he gets sloppy and you can get a stomp in on his knife-arm, either getting him to drop the weapon or breaking the arm. Know that he will nick you during this fight, be prepared for that, but just avoid getting gored. You will prevail if you fight like you bank — smartly. Good luck.
December 16, 2009
Swine flu looks tame compared to the current disease sweeping the nation. Tiger Syndrome is the newest, most deadly, and fastest spreading epidemic seen to date. It appears to mainly affect women who date or are married to men who travel for work. The symptoms are grotesque: hallucinatory paranoia, erratic insecurity, and general moodiness. The Syndrome attacks the central nervous system of females, rendering them unable to differentiate between their husbands and famous billionaire athletes. This lack of discernment persists even when the men in question do not own a private jet, hold court in Vegas nightclubs, or appear in advertisements on national TV promoting household products.
Recommendation: If your wife or SO are at high-risk for Tiger Syndrome, it is advised you immediately stockpile tranquilizers, preferably of the fast-acting variety. Chloroform will do in a pinch (be sure to just use a pinch). These will be necessary to calm your wife or girlfriend when her symptoms flare up to the point that (your and) her own safety are jeopardized. A mutated form of this disease, the Uchitel Strain, has been spreading like herpes in a VIP room of a Las Vegas Club, but it focuses on women who resemble knock-off Barbie dolls, whose first name is the misspelled version of a common first name (e.g. Jenn vs Jen or Jammiee vs Jamie) and those who suffer from chronic duck lipitis; our research indicates that no on who has ever read this site is in the high risk group for the Uchitel Strain.
December 13, 2009
Marlo: That’s my money.
Omar: Man…money don’t have no owners. Only spenders.
December 6, 2009
Anything that doesn’t take years of your life and drive you to suicide hardly seems worth doing.
HT to The Paleolithic Fish