Long or Short Capital

Yes yes, this whole $1bn Yahoo-Alibaba stake aquisition deal is big news to some people and I’m sure it will have some sort of really important impact on China, Indochine, Siam and all those places.

But all these stock-crazed investors are missing the glorious naming opportunities as the two funniest corporate names come together as one. When they inevitably decide to create new names and rebrand all their products, a total no-brainer in this analyst’s opinion, the possibilities will be endless.

Yahooba has already been penned, but let’s delve into my grab bag of branding brilliance:

Aliboohoo. It calls attention to the emptiness of life and the pathos associated with a capitalistic bourgeois existence.

Yalibaboo!. Alludes to a distant time, the golden age of our Half-Human Half-Dinosaur ancestors, who founded civilization 33,000 years ago and created badmitton (still played to this day, the oldest sport in continuous existence).

Baba ali,ya? Hoo!. Who am I? Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Hoo!

Aliyahooblies. It booms out at you, making its presence felt from the very bosom of inspiration.

American China Auction and Search Corp. Provocative. Basic. Dynamic.

Hot-Hand in the Mahjong Game Inc

It pained my heart to learn that Who’s Your Daddy is already taken by a licensing company; but ?????? is still available.

It’s obvious to you that these names are positioned for explosive growth because, well, we said so, and that’s all the analysis you need. Strong Buy with a current price target of !.

We are initiating coverage on the Little People sector with the following ratings.
Gnomes – UNDERWEIGHT
Sky Gnomes – OVERWEIGHT
Dwarves – OVERWEIGHT
Elves – EQUALWEIGHT

Gnomes
Gnomes have been fading after a strong 2 year run fueled by gnome icon Giles Standish’s turn as the Travelocity spokesman. Giles took gnomes to previously unattained levels and improved the group’s overall reputation. Unfortunately, all good things must end and Travelocity recently announced a revamped marketing plan that included an early retirement for Giles. We wish him the best but downgrade the group as it appears unlikely that gnomes as a whole will be able to comp against the Giles loss, at least for the next year. Sell.

Sky Gnomes
We must confess that prior to today, we were completely unaware of sky gnomes. Luckily, we listened to the BSkyB (BSY) quarterly conference call this morning before publishing this initiation and learned of their incredible discovery of sky gnomes. Consider that 1) SkyTV plans to market these sky gnomes to their entire SkyTV subscriber base, 2) sky gnomes did not exist before today, and 3) we are talking about gnomes in the sky here — they are traditionally highly earth-bound creatures. Buy and hold.

Dwarves
The increased interest in dwarves has been well documented but they have further to go. As the Wall Street Journal noted, “some people are just into lavish dwarf entertainment.” Indeed. Increased desire for lavish dwarf entertainment is a long-term secular trend that we see continuing for the forseeable future. In fact, dwarf-related leisure options have heretofore been available only to the uber-wealthy including former Tyco (TYC) CEO L. Dennis Kozlowski and star Fidelity traders. However, we fully expect that time-shares and other financing options will make delightful dwarf diversions increasingly affordable to the middle class. Buy and hold.

Elves
Elves pose an interesting conundrum for any fundamentals-oriented investor. Clearly the group has benefited from Lord of the Rings exposure over the past three years. Now, with Peter Jackson’s masterpiece in the rearview mirror, elf investors are left with the historical (and unfair, we believe) association with fairies. Hold.
Compare and decide:

vs.

People fear that SC Nominee John Roberts will be an originalist constructionist contemplaterist platonic lover of agape. But all that “legal” analysis obscures the clear trends towards greater amounts of dance parties in the Supreme Court, a trend from which our readers can profit. The so-called “classic dance moves” are highly levered to Supreme Justice Dance Parties, so consider stocking your portfolio with the Sprinkler, Walking the Dog and even the high beta Jack Knife. Price targets of $Perf, $Perf.8 and $3.Perfty-perf, respectively.

Short Grammar.

I’m long the number Z. It’s been underperformed the S&P 1-100 number index for too long and it’s due to rally. The biggest knock on Z has been that it’s not a really a number. That’s a strawman argument if I ever saw one. There’s been a multi-thousand year run-up on integers and those now look like they’re setting up for a swing trade. I’m going long Z as well as i. They both look like they have solid support around the pi level and are due to reverse trend.

And shorting What the Bleep Do We Know!?.

Scientology is destined for a bounce once I get Clear, head to OT® 13 and embrace my Operating Thetan. I’m auditing, baby.

What the Bleep Do We Know!? is the new goto mysticism cult for the people who are easily misled, confused or who seek out quick-serve spirituality. DVDs featuring deaf chicks in surrealist fantasies and blond-haired middle-aged women channeling 35,000 year old fictional deities while talking about Quantum physics will not get you closer to the Truth. Sorry, but this is a proven fact. If you consider this movie transformational lifewise, submit your email to me so I can Short you. Now.

Long: Limes
Short: Lemons

This is the pair trade of the year. I am so long limes.

I overheard JD discussing his Long or Short Capital marketing optimization strategy with Dr. Gupta, who had asked about our transition from our old Blogger home:

“Overall, this strategy has led to a runrate of Google hits which has doubled for [LongorShortCapital.com] vs [LongorShort.blogspot.com]. We have lost the SE query flows from “Short Mexican Joke” and “Sexy Chinese,” but I think we’ll survive, especially because “Scone” and “”Short Goog” have been so strong for us.”