Citigroup (NYSE: C)
Previous Rating: BFFBAS
New Rating: Whore
Ratings Rationale: Some people can pull off doing everything. Student government, head of the cheerleading squad, phi beta kappa, kappa kappa gamma, Big Sister, 4.0 GPA, pep squad, dance squad, hybrid pep-dance squad, dance team, song girl, TA, model, campus tour guide, designated driver, cocaine addict and the world’s best GF. But for most people who aren’t Melissa, the result is a total disaster…Citi is that disaster!
Citi, girl, I’m really not trying to pick on you but what do you do? Everything? How is that working out for you!?! Credit cards, banking, i-banking, trading, brokering, creepy advertising surrounding a stodgy British pedophile with a magic umbrella?!? ((Masculine Editor’s Note: Travelers P&C is no longer part of Citigroup)
Citi, I know you think you have a lot to offer, and you try so hard which is kinda cute, but I just have to think about myself — I wouldn’t want to rely on you for anything and that’s the sad truth. People have been saying this about you for awhile, they don’t want a friend who is a supermarket, they want one that is an organic farmer’s market that charges ridic premiums and is extremely fashionable to be seen with.
And don’t even get me started on what buying back all those Auction Rate Securities is going to do to your going-out ability. You know those mature never, right? Just like all the boys you have been slutting it out with.
I hate having to do this I really do, because I’m not a mean person at all, everyone who knows me knows how nice I am. I’m sorry, it’s my job. Citi, I am downgrading you two notches from Best Friend Forever But Also a Slut to Whore.
Hey everyone! It’s me, Melissa Moody…not that other Moody’s you have been reading about. Actually that’s why I’m here I’m just so sick and tired of that other Moody! Their ratings stink, and they don’t know nearly as much as I do about debt, it’s true, I’m maxed out on 4 out of 7 credit cards I know I have a problem but I just can’t stop,ha ha. I can do a better job than Moody’s and that is what I’m gonna do! And let’s face it, their old ratings were too complicated. I mean Aa3, Baa1, Caa2, B1 who knows what that means? My ratings will be simple:
- BFFAE (Best Friends Forever and Ever)
- BFFLAF (Best Friends For Like Almost Forever)
- BFFBAS (Best Friends Forever But Also a Slut)
- BFFBIHH (Best Friends Forever But I Hate Her)
- Using Their Illusion
- The Off-Off-Balance Sheet
- Citi's New Financial Product: Reality Distortion Field
- Market's April Fool's Joke
- The Wile E Coyote Theory Disproven Preemptively
- Wait, But You're The One Doing the Ratings
- Melissa Moody's Ratings Alternative
- Intrigue Bankers, a report from the future
- Finance is Even More a Scam Than We Previously Admitted
- WSJ Follow Up to Finance is a Scam
- Finance is a Scam, We Admit It
- Citibank is the Mini-Baller Bank
- Aleksey Vayner Responds to the Online Personal Ad of Lucy Gao
- The Down Low on Low Cut: Cleavage Hypothesis
- The Sell Side (A Continuing Series)