Melissa Moody’s Ratings Alternative: Citigroup

by Melissa Moody

Citigroup (NYSE: C)

Previous Rating: BFFBAS
New Rating: Whore

Ratings Rationale: Some people can pull off doing everything. Student government, head of the cheerleading squad, phi beta kappa, kappa kappa gamma, Big Sister, 4.0 GPA, pep squad, dance squad, hybrid pep-dance squad, dance team, song girl, TA, model, campus tour guide, designated driver, cocaine addict and the world’s best GF. But for most people who aren’t Melissa, the result is a total disaster…Citi is that disaster!

Citi, girl, I’m really not trying to pick on you but what do you do? Everything? How is that working out for you!?! Credit cards, banking, i-banking, trading, brokering, creepy advertising surrounding a stodgy British pedophile with a magic umbrella?!? ((Masculine Editor’s Note: Travelers P&C is no longer part of Citigroup)

Citi, I know you think you have a lot to offer, and you try so hard which is kinda cute, but I just have to think about myself — I wouldn’t want to rely on you for anything and that’s the sad truth. People have been saying this about you for awhile, they don’t want a friend who is a supermarket, they want one that is an organic farmer’s market that charges ridic premiums and is extremely fashionable to be seen with.

And don’t even get me started on what buying back all those Auction Rate Securities is going to do to your going-out ability. You know those mature never, right? Just like all the boys you have been slutting it out with.

I hate having to do this I really do, because I’m not a mean person at all, everyone who knows me knows how nice I am. I’m sorry, it’s my job. Citi, I am downgrading you two notches from Best Friend Forever But Also a Slut to Whore.

Ratings Methodology:
Hey everyone! It’s me, Melissa Moody…not that other Moody’s you have been reading about. Actually that’s why I’m here I’m just so sick and tired of that other Moody! Their ratings stink, and they don’t know nearly as much as I do about debt, it’s true, I’m maxed out on 4 out of 7 credit cards I know I have a problem but I just can’t stop,ha ha. I can do a better job than Moody’s and that is what I’m gonna do! And let’s face it, their old ratings were too complicated. I mean Aa3, Baa1, Caa2, B1 who knows what that means? My ratings will be simple:

  • BFFAE (Best Friends Forever and Ever)
  • BFF
  • BFFLAF (Best Friends For Like Almost Forever)
  • BFFBAS (Best Friends Forever But Also a Slut)
  • BFFBIHH (Best Friends Forever But I Hate Her)
  • Whore

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  1. yoyodyne
    August 8th, 2008 | 1:51 pm

    Melissa just got upgraded from 6 to 11’o clock.

  2. August 8th, 2008 | 2:19 pm

    Long (and strong) Melissa

  3. Cory
    August 8th, 2008 | 5:27 pm

    Women should not be allowed to comment on financial issues. Women are biologically wired to spend money, even if it is money that they do not have. if you disagree with me, you are either: A) a woman or B) not getting any ass anyway, so stop trying to impress women with your chivalrous babbling.

  4. Hondo
    August 9th, 2008 | 12:07 pm

    Mr. Debacle and Prof. Juggles:

    From a housing-investment-oriented site that has been (rightly) bearish for years, a post that seems in your vein of humor:

  5. JCauto
    August 11th, 2008 | 9:28 am

    Melissa deserves her own spin-off.

    In an aside, I just started doing all my grocery shopping at a farmer’s market two weeks ago. $9 for a gallon of organic milk? Fashionable maybe, ridic def.

  6. Pleb
    August 11th, 2008 | 10:11 am

    Cory, that’s a sadly one-dimensional view of distaff economic abilities. Many women are brilliant financiers, able to spend money based on long range forecasts of future earnings.

    For instance, my wife bought in when I was seriously undervalued, going against the market and ignoring my dismal earnings and short term forecast. She leveraged the situation to the hilt. Now, a few years later, I’m rated as a very good value in spite of corporate debt secured by future earnings, but still very good upside with earnings trending upwards. She must be a genius because leveraging yourself against the future earnings of somebody like me 10 years ago would otherwise be completely insane.

    She’s like somebody who bought Amazon when it was in the gutter – an metaphor that is literally true in my case.

  7. Cory
    August 11th, 2008 | 10:59 am

    LOL Pleb,
    I love your analysis.

  8. HelicalZz
    August 11th, 2008 | 11:09 am

    Auction rate securities are financial Herpes. They might not show on your books, but everyone knows you’ve got them.

  9. Size
    August 11th, 2008 | 1:08 pm

    Women should not be allowed to comment on financial issues.

    My investors would disagree.

  10. Cory
    August 11th, 2008 | 4:57 pm

    Thank you for that thrilling debate “Size”

  11. Oligarchette
    August 12th, 2008 | 2:28 pm

    “Major brand names under Citigroup’s trademark red umbrella include Citibank, CitiFinancial, Primerica, Smith Barney, Banamex, and Travelers Life and Annuity.”

    Citi Group’s affiliations include the less savory devision of Primerica. For the uninitiated, it is an MLM, or as I like to call it, a Pyramid Scheme. Doesn’t inspire much confidence in the rest of the company, now does it?

  12. August 13th, 2008 | 12:19 am

    @ Oligarchette

    Whilst still in school I had a very short-lived experience with Primerica which lead me to the same conclusion. After about 2 days you realize its the same MLM scheme, in this case, selling life insurance and other crap to people who don’t particularly need or want it.

    Brings a whole nother meaning to Zombie Nation.

  13. Size
    August 14th, 2008 | 10:15 am

    Thank you for that thrilling debate “Size”

    You’re welcome. That’s all the your analysis deserves. Perhaps you should not be allowed to comment on financial issues due to your sadly lacking analytical skills.

  14. Leeson
    August 19th, 2008 | 12:19 pm

    I’d short Size (in size).