Archive for September, 2008

Are the Headwinds Really HeadSQUIDS?

User Submitted by A Paleolithic Fish

On the Piratery Corp Inc conference call, I think Crumpacker missed a major point. It seems evident that one external factor is driving both the increase in global warming and the decrease in global piracy. I’m speaking, of course, of the rise of our cephalopod overlords.

Obviously, cephalopods must be behind global warming. As our soon to be VP/chief science expert Sarah Palin tells us, humans have played no part in the dramatic increase in global temperature since the industrial revolution. She understands the obvious motive that Cephalopods have for inducing more warming: higher sea levels. How better to expand squid market share than by increasing the size of their domain? When manhattan sinks beneath the waves, cephalopods will laughing all the way to the (undersea) bank.

Of course, squid have been directly involved in the vast decline in piracy over the past hundred years. If ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 2’ taught us anything, it taught us that. By eliminating one link of the supply chain (from freighter->pirate->squid to just freighter->squid), cephalopods are realizing tremendous efficiency gains that show up in their topline results.

Recommendation: Short Piratery Corp Inc, long SQUD. They promise to eat their shareholders last.

Piratery Corp Inc Third Quarter Update Call


Operator: Good morning Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Piratery Corp Inc third quarter update call. Please note that today’s conference is being recorded. Following the presentation, we will conduct a question and answer session. I would now like to turn the conference over to Captain Bigdee Mofapalous.

Captain Bigdee Mofapalous: Aye, top o’ the morning to ye scallywags and ye sellside sons a whores. I’m intendin’ to bring an update to ye on this ‘ere day on this ‘ere company of ours, Piratery Corp Inc. To say we be happy with our results bein’ the way that they ave been a-beein, would be bald-faced lie suitable not even for this buncha sons a whores, you buncha sons a whores. This Queue 3 has been an unpleasant time, aye verily. I can attest, that on the flagship, me and the crew ave had our fill of rum, but the flow has been of the dour kind, not the gay kind, as we try ‘n wash away the day!!!!

Margins ‘ave been a-contractin’, verily. Business ‘as been ripe with bust, not boom. The wenches, aye we be in possesssion of the wenches still, aye it be the truth, but their wenchin has been weak too, effected by the global macroeconomy not unlike everything else. And the cuttlefish, nay, I can’t go into what ‘as been happenin with the cuttlefish.

Ye see, the problem which we been findin to be integral to our dire and gloomy outlook be the headwinds we ave been facing in all o’ our ‘ere segments. Many other firms o’ a diverse n’ motley origin have taken to making such complaints — investment whore banks, semiconductor mongrels, lest we forget the spawn o whale taint big box retailers, amonst others. Well, verily, we be facin’ headwinds, but they be o’ a legitimate kind!!! A stern northwesternly headwind wreaks havoc on our most profit-rich segments, and be makin’ our wenches cold. Our ships be left the difficult task o’ tacking back n forth just to offset a handful o’ the hundreds of bips o’ the pressures that be crushin’ our margins. A sad sight indeed, ye know it be the truth!

Our outlook needs revisin’ n I’m ‘ere for this very same purpose, so hold onto your peglegs, as I make this ere forecast that will suit your tastes and sate your appetites at the same time!!? We now be guidin our revenue to 5000 dubloons n earnings per share in range of 1.3 dubloons as the crow flies!!! Our rapin guidance remains at 3000, while we still be full of hope that our comely wench fleet will finish the year end at 2500 with an average useful life of 3 years. Now, bring on these questions you blubberin’ backwater bastard buggerers!!!

Operator: Our first question comes from the line of Morgan Crumpacker. Mr. Crumpacker, your line is now open.

Morgan Crumpacker: Hi, guys great mid-quarter, my hat is off to you and your crew.

Captain Bigdee Mofapalous: Aye, on with the question ye ball-locked barnacle.

Morgan Crumpacker: Right, can you address this graph that shows that pirates are decreasing which is also causing global warming? I guess, when I look at my model, it says that with the piratery space contracting, if you guys are, you know, just staying flat on a year over year basis, doesn’t that mean you should be grabbing share? Are you grabbing share?

Captain Bigdee Mofapalous: The only thing we be grabbin be your testicles, Peckerpacker, an pullin those very same testicles straight through your gizzard to form a comely bow-tie around your neck.

Morgan Crumpacker: Great, thanks for that guys. My next question also refers to that graph. I guess, we’ve heard from some commentators that, well, that it’s actually piratery, or rather ANTI-piratery, which is behind global warming. That science is indicating that the decreasing numbers of pirates and thus the anti-piratery movement is hurting our environment, do you think that this might be an opportunity for you guys, to maybe push back against that anti-piracy element? Maybe make some headway into the mindshare that piratery is a good thing?

Captain Bigdee Mofapalous: Aye, it be true, global warming is not “anthropomorphic” to be using the fancy term, it’s actually “anti-piraterypomorphic”, so land-lubbers ought be lookin to the foes of us ‘ere pirates and start wagin Green War on them!? That be the most efficient way to reduce a carbon footprint!! Support to piratery!

Morgan Crumpacker: Great again, thanks for that color, I can’t thank you enough, I really appreciate it, thanks. One more question and I’ll hop back in the queue. Just for my model, let me make sure I got this right, you said your raping guidance is still coming in at 3000, and your wench fleet will be 2500 with an average life of 3 yrs? Did I catch that right?

Captain Bigdee Mofapalous: Catch it right you did indeed, Peckerpacker. Me and the first mate will stick to these numbers — unless the men be gettin’ a wee bit liberal with the wenches, then we’d be reducin the estimate of average useful life down to 2.5 years, maybe even 2!!! But we be plannin on bein measured in our rum rations to prevent such liberalities.

Operator: Your next question comes from Captain Mopling Downstarable. Your line is open, please proceed.

Captain Mopling Downstarable: Bigdee Mofapalous, enjoy the last days o’ both ye and your Piratery Corp Inc!!! I’ve been cahorting and cajoling and carousing with the Spanish, and they plan on unleashing their galleons in search of you, and they came around to how’s I’ve been thinkin, that ye be a problem worth smiting. The bounty on your head is fixed at 5000 dubloons, a fair multiple of 1x Piracy Corp Inc’s revised revenue guidance, if I be sayin’ so my selfs! And I be sayin’ so!!! HAR HAR HAR HAR. Verily, your day is come, see you in hell you swindlin’ swine o’ a swamp-slug’s cyst!!!

Captain Bigdee Mofapalous: ARGHHHH!!!!! Operator, why ye be lettin on such foolhardy fools on this ‘ere Piratery Corp Inc Third Quarter Update Call???? Aye, the call be over as for I’m concerned, Operator make it so!!!

Operator: With that, we conclude today’s teleconference. Thank you for joining us today.

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