Dear LoS: To Dag or Not To Dag

by Johnny Debacle

Dear LoS,

I work for a bank in London. Or rather, I had been working for a bank in London, and now, I have to fight for not only my job, but my life. You see, after the recent bumper bonus tax, my firm is downsizing its staffing levels in London. Some jobs are being relocated to more favorable geographies; others like mine, well, they are being fought over. In a gladiatiorial ring. With knives and nets and shit.

You see my bank, decided to just give the British government what they really want — bankers’ blood. Half a billion pounds sterling is a drop in the bucket, but cutting down bankers for the masses is worth its weight in gold. So for the bank employees who want to continue to be 1) employed in 2) London, my bank is having us step into the ring.

All of which leads to my question. My fight is scheduled for the next bank holiday in Green Park. It will be a duel between a combatant who is completely blindfolded but has a dagger against a man who has full use of his vision, but has no weapon. He who lives, works. As a Senior VP I have the right to choose which combo I’d prefer. I know you have been going through something similar recently, what would you do here?
-Markus Orlyius

In the kingdom of the blind the one-eyed man is king. I’ve never had the opportunity to say that in context, so today is a good day amicus (gladiator for friend). A no-brainer — choose sight and then fight a battle of attrition. He can only use that dagger in close, and he cannot flail it around wildly without having to stop. Pick your spots — if you see an opening kick him in the balls, then retreat tactically. Is he crouched in a protective fetal crouch? Maneuver so you can kick him in the head, and again tactically retreat. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. Veni. Vidi. Vici. Just grind him down like this, until he gets sloppy and you can get a stomp in on his knife-arm, either getting him to drop the weapon or breaking the arm. Know that he will nick you during this fight, be prepared for that, but just avoid getting gored. You will prevail if you fight like you bank — smartly. Good luck.

Ad Sense Ad Sense


  1. CoverPunch
    December 18th, 2009 | 12:24 pm

    I submit a counterpoint: the ending fight in Bloodsport.

    You should alter your recommendation to “be Jean Claude Van Damme”.

  2. MasterChief
    December 18th, 2009 | 1:55 pm

    Never go with advice from a blogger when death is on the line, kid.

    Here’s what you do.

    Take the blindfold and the knife.

    Then cut off the blindfold.

    If your MD objects, shiv him and take his job too.

    Once you have control of the Tantalus Field in the MD washroom, all of RBS will be yours.

  3. December 18th, 2009 | 4:45 pm

    If you have seen JCVD you would know that you are probably off avoiding being Jean Claude Van Damme.

    There are referees with tridents and nets who prevent any such shenanigans.

  4. Bitchtern
    December 18th, 2009 | 4:55 pm

    On the buy side you keep what you kill.

  5. March 18th, 2010 | 12:21 pm

    It depends on the noise of the crowd. The banker without the weapon has to be very careful not to be heard. If the audience is quiet like a bunch of CPAs, or like the SEC, then the blindfolded banker can listen for the approach. If the sighted banker gives away his location, he is dead. The blindfolded banker will rush him. Once both parties have fallen to the ground, the banker with the weapon will make short work of his victim. This is known as the “Palin Offense”; since you do not need to know what is going on in the rest of the world to be able to inflict damage. Alternately, the blindfolded banker can make sudden movements in the direction of a likely attack in hopes of colliding with the prey. This is random and risky, but will usually inflict more damage than it incurs. This is known as the “Citicorp” method, since it is absurdly dangerous to everyone, including innocent bystanders.

  6. March 18th, 2010 | 12:35 pm

    In a large arena, you would still want to be sighted, by the way, (unless the VP in the next office down the hall was particularly good with a knife.) Since you can see the action, you know when the fight is about to start. If you can stall the fight for a few hours, then you can wear down your adversary’s stamina and nerves. He has to be at constant ready, where you can choose your time to rest. This is known as the “Filibuster”.

    In a very small arena, your target could simply run around until he runs into you. This is known as “cloture”, or in the case of sporting events, “sudden death”.