Baby Carriage Exposé Part 3: Pram to Blam-Blam

by Johnny Debacle

With the elimination of the papoose, baby transportation was free to evolve, liberated from the tyranny of ancient Indian wisdom. First came the pram, short for “perambulator” which is latin for “harbinger of doom.” It afforded western babies the ability to be transported by their confederates, so-called “parents”, with enough distance from adults that baby-to-baby communications could not be effectively monitored. The pram was an important baby step, but it bore the fatal flaw of limiting a baby’s ability to survey the field effectively as the baby’s face was oriented to look backward or up, not forwards.

In 1889, William Richardson, at the behest of his baby masters made a breakthrough in carriage tech, the fearfully named stroller. Strollers were able to face either forwards or backwards, depending on what tactical needs the situation dictated. The outward facing position greatly improved the flexibility of baby-to-baby (B2B) communication, as well as the the ability for such communication to be performed in surreptitious fashion. Additionally they featured better handling, higher top speeds and better gas mileage.

Improvements have been realized incrementally since the 19th century, always effected by the baby’s loyal proxies, parents. They couch this arms race in silver-tongued banalities like “We want to do what’s best for the kids” and “Think about the children” or “It’s all about these little guys right here.” Those bastards, do they know not what they have wrought?

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