How Are Oil Prices Affecting You?

by Kaiser Edamame

Sorry honey, I'm so hungry I feel totally asexualInspired by this incredible expose about oil prices hurting kids via increasing operating costs of school buses all over the country, we decided to survey other demographic representatives to see how higher oil is affecting them.

Middle-aged white woman in the midwest: “Gas prices are so crazy I had to buy a second car, one for when gas is cheap and one for when gas is expensive. But sometimes I drive the wrong one just to be bad, I’m a naughty girl on the inside, I go wild!”

A London debutante: “12 months ago it was so posh to be shagging a banker, but now I can’t be bothered if he doesn’t come from oil money. Russians, Iranians, MAYBE a Norwegian – but only if he has that Viking look. Also unrefined crude oil makes for great lube – it’s so hot when they put it on you, and the fact that it’s getting more expensive and they still just keep using a lot of it- that only makes it hotter and shows they care about you.”

A common dragon on the street: *FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

A baby: “You would be alarmed at the rate of inflation I’m seeing in breast milk. Most people wouldn’t believe it but the persistently rising crude oil price has a direct impact on mommy juice. I estimate 2% of the input costs for breast milk are oil and oil related products. How do you think mommy makes milk? She gets in her car, goes to Olive Garden and eats pasta, you can’t walk to Olive Garden, you can’t crawl either — I know, because I tried. Shit’s like an ultramarathon of crawling, and with my job, my kids and the commute, I don’t have the baby-time to be in that kind of baby-shape.”

That oil-eating bacteria (which may or may not exist): “I don’t think you understand how hungry I am and what it takes to feed a family of four oil-eating bacteria. I’ve lost thousands of micrograms and my entire asexual family, also known as me and those who are indentical to me on a cellular level, we are all doing horribly. But boy does Gail (who is also me (this is getting meta-creepy)) look fabulous in her skimpy bacteria-lingerie! The government always says it will stand up for the little guy, but apparently this little guy is too little. Vote Obamoeba!”

Please tell us how oil is changing your life.

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  1. Tom Davis
    April 15th, 2008 | 6:39 pm

    You people need to wake up, Bin laden attack the USA and OPEC is bleeding the US economy. Every penny gas goes up it takes a billion dollars out of our economy. I believe the majority of Opec nation are not our Allies, It takes alot of Oil to fight a War. True Allies support there friends, no matter what.

    There are three types of Terrorist – Religist, political, and economic.
    Bin laden = Religist Iraq = Political OPEC = Economic

    War has have no rules, Just idiots how think there should be rules.

    The US never won a war soldier against soldier, Germany & Japan we bomb the population to win, Vietnam & Korea we tried fighting soldier against soldier
    and have come up short.

    In this WAR the battle field has come home.

    The blood of our soldiers is RED, and the blood of our people is green. The blood of these terrorist is Black, and I’m driving the hell out of them.

  2. Platinumfinger
    April 15th, 2008 | 7:17 pm

    Your point? Attack the whole middle east and lose again?

  3. Sully
    April 15th, 2008 | 7:27 pm

    Due to high prices at the pump, I’ve stopped driving to Blockbuster and Circuit City and started using Netflix and With the money I’ve saved, I’m piling into July 2008 LHC End of Universe Puts.

    Short (in stature): Carl Icahn
    Long: July 2008 LHC End of Universe Puts

  4. Peter The Fish
    April 16th, 2008 | 8:21 am

    The high prices seem to have cut into my driver’s take home pay. In fact, he recently bought a scooter so that he could do my errands without wasting extra petrol (sir, it’s 50 Rupees to save…).

    This affects me because when it rains, he asks for a grabage bag to wear so that he doesn’t get wet. Now I’m running out of trashbags, but I suppose I’ll just take it out of his salary.

  5. To The Hilt
    April 16th, 2008 | 9:11 am

    wow. a comment so crazy, it needed to be posted twice.

  6. raf_oh
    April 16th, 2008 | 9:41 am

    I’ve switched from light sweet crude to sour crude for my hair gel.

    Hopefully, no managing director notices.

  7. HF
    April 16th, 2008 | 10:18 am

    I started studing alchemy, trying to convert water in to oil…

  8. April 16th, 2008 | 11:10 am

    And deleted once!

  9. girl
    April 16th, 2008 | 11:21 am

    Dear Tom Davis,

    I’m confused as to whether that’s your best parody of a hick or if you really are one.

    Please advise.

    Kind Regards,


  10. dumpy12
    April 16th, 2008 | 1:24 pm

    @the fish unfortunately for you petrol is one of the primary inputs for plastic trash bags, unless you are using paper he is screwing you both ways!

  11. To The Hilt
    April 16th, 2008 | 4:38 pm

    How quickly people forget the war of 1812. That was war against soldier.

    More than one, in fact. Like 100 or something.

  12. 5H3K1
    April 16th, 2008 | 4:45 pm

    re: 1812 the U.S. lost
    brits burned the presidents house

  13. To The Hilt
    April 16th, 2008 | 4:54 pm

    then i must have meant the spanish american war.

  14. To The Hilt
    April 16th, 2008 | 4:58 pm

    wikipedia says it was a tie, and wikipedia is never wrong.

  15. April 17th, 2008 | 2:11 pm

    Agreed with Girl, not sure if #1 is a poorly-crafted parody or a poorly-crafted legitimate (ha!) comment…either way its not very good