How Are Oil Prices Affecting You?
by Kaiser Edamame
Inspired by this incredible expose about oil prices hurting kids via increasing operating costs of school buses all over the country, we decided to survey other demographic representatives to see how higher oil is affecting them.
Middle-aged white woman in the midwest: “Gas prices are so crazy I had to buy a second car, one for when gas is cheap and one for when gas is expensive. But sometimes I drive the wrong one just to be bad, I’m a naughty girl on the inside, I go wild!”
A London debutante: “12 months ago it was so posh to be shagging a banker, but now I can’t be bothered if he doesn’t come from oil money. Russians, Iranians, MAYBE a Norwegian – but only if he has that Viking look. Also unrefined crude oil makes for great lube – it’s so hot when they put it on you, and the fact that it’s getting more expensive and they still just keep using a lot of it- that only makes it hotter and shows they care about you.”
A common dragon on the street: *FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
A baby: “You would be alarmed at the rate of inflation I’m seeing in breast milk. Most people wouldn’t believe it but the persistently rising crude oil price has a direct impact on mommy juice. I estimate 2% of the input costs for breast milk are oil and oil related products. How do you think mommy makes milk? She gets in her car, goes to Olive Garden and eats pasta, you can’t walk to Olive Garden, you can’t crawl either — I know, because I tried. Shit’s like an ultramarathon of crawling, and with my job, my kids and the commute, I don’t have the baby-time to be in that kind of baby-shape.”
That oil-eating bacteria (which may or may not exist): “I don’t think you understand how hungry I am and what it takes to feed a family of four oil-eating bacteria. I’ve lost thousands of micrograms and my entire asexual family, also known as me and those who are indentical to me on a cellular level, we are all doing horribly. But boy does Gail (who is also me (this is getting meta-creepy)) look fabulous in her skimpy bacteria-lingerie! The government always says it will stand up for the little guy, but apparently this little guy is too little. Vote Obamoeba!”
Please tell us how oil is changing your life.
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You people need to wake up, Bin laden attack the USA and OPEC is bleeding the US economy. Every penny gas goes up it takes a billion dollars out of our economy. I believe the majority of Opec nation are not our Allies, It takes alot of Oil to fight a War. True Allies support there friends, no matter what.
There are three types of Terrorist – Religist, political, and economic.
Bin laden = Religist Iraq = Political OPEC = Economic
War has have no rules, Just idiots how think there should be rules.
The US never won a war soldier against soldier, Germany & Japan we bomb the population to win, Vietnam & Korea we tried fighting soldier against soldier
and have come up short.
In this WAR the battle field has come home.
The blood of our soldiers is RED, and the blood of our people is green. The blood of these terrorist is Black, and I’m driving the hell out of them.
Your point? Attack the whole middle east and lose again?
Due to high prices at the pump, I’ve stopped driving to Blockbuster and Circuit City and started using Netflix and Bestbuy.com/Amazon.com. With the money I’ve saved, I’m piling into July 2008 LHC End of Universe Puts.
Recommendation:
Short (in stature): Carl Icahn
Long: July 2008 LHC End of Universe Puts
The high prices seem to have cut into my driver’s take home pay. In fact, he recently bought a scooter so that he could do my errands without wasting extra petrol (sir, it’s 50 Rupees to save…).
This affects me because when it rains, he asks for a grabage bag to wear so that he doesn’t get wet. Now I’m running out of trashbags, but I suppose I’ll just take it out of his salary.
wow. a comment so crazy, it needed to be posted twice.
I’ve switched from light sweet crude to sour crude for my hair gel.
Hopefully, no managing director notices.
I started studing alchemy, trying to convert water in to oil…
And deleted once!
Dear Tom Davis,
I’m confused as to whether that’s your best parody of a hick or if you really are one.
Please advise.
Kind Regards,
girl
@the fish unfortunately for you petrol is one of the primary inputs for plastic trash bags, unless you are using paper he is screwing you both ways!
How quickly people forget the war of 1812. That was war against soldier.
More than one, in fact. Like 100 or something.
re: 1812 the U.S. lost
brits burned the presidents house
then i must have meant the spanish american war.
wikipedia says it was a tie, and wikipedia is never wrong.
Agreed with Girl, not sure if #1 is a poorly-crafted parody or a poorly-crafted legitimate (ha!) comment…either way its not very good