How Are Oil Prices Affecting You?

by Kaiser Edamame

Sorry honey, I'm so hungry I feel totally asexualInspired by this incredible expose about oil prices hurting kids via increasing operating costs of school buses all over the country, we decided to survey other demographic representatives to see how higher oil is affecting them.

Middle-aged white woman in the midwest: “Gas prices are so crazy I had to buy a second car, one for when gas is cheap and one for when gas is expensive. But sometimes I drive the wrong one just to be bad, I’m a naughty girl on the inside, I go wild!”

A London debutante: “12 months ago it was so posh to be shagging a banker, but now I can’t be bothered if he doesn’t come from oil money. Russians, Iranians, MAYBE a Norwegian – but only if he has that Viking look. Also unrefined crude oil makes for great lube – it’s so hot when they put it on you, and the fact that it’s getting more expensive and they still just keep using a lot of it- that only makes it hotter and shows they care about you.”

A common dragon on the street: *FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

A baby: “You would be alarmed at the rate of inflation I’m seeing in breast milk. Most people wouldn’t believe it but the persistently rising crude oil price has a direct impact on mommy juice. I estimate 2% of the input costs for breast milk are oil and oil related products. How do you think mommy makes milk? She gets in her car, goes to Olive Garden and eats pasta, you can’t walk to Olive Garden, you can’t crawl either — I know, because I tried. Shit’s like an ultramarathon of crawling, and with my job, my kids and the commute, I don’t have the baby-time to be in that kind of baby-shape.”

That oil-eating bacteria (which may or may not exist): “I don’t think you understand how hungry I am and what it takes to feed a family of four oil-eating bacteria. I’ve lost thousands of micrograms and my entire asexual family, also known as me and those who are indentical to me on a cellular level, we are all doing horribly. But boy does Gail (who is also me (this is getting meta-creepy)) look fabulous in her skimpy bacteria-lingerie! The government always says it will stand up for the little guy, but apparently this little guy is too little. Vote Obamoeba!”

Please tell us how oil is changing your life.

Share This, Please
Related Reseach: