Interesting Resumes #1: Shepherd Equity

by Kaiser Edamame

Given Long or Short Capital’s international status, we receive a large number of unsolicited resumes. Most of these are of the standard I-work-at-an-ibank-and-hate-my-life-please-hire-me-so-I-don’t-kill-myself variety. However, we are sometimes contacted by extraordinary talent from obscure walks of life. I feel obliged to share some of these fascinating backgrounds. Most recently, we were approached by a former shepherd, interested in making a career change. He accomplished a lot as you can see from a few quotes taken from his CV.

  • Personally tended to 300 sheep, including over 35 lambs.
  • Shucked over 3,000 bushels of wool and sold 95% of bushels at market.
  • Recruited and trained three sheep canines allowing my supervisor to double the number of sheep I was responsible for
  • Increased wool yield per sheep threefold by augmenting roughage
    portions in standard sheep diet.
  • Created new, multi-colored wool through inventive use of industrial dyes.
  • Located and recovered 13 lost lambs without injury or death.
  • Tended flock for four years without a single case of mad lamb disease and only one sexual harassment allegation (which was later dropped when the accuser was made into stew. Sheep stew.).
  • Doubled revenue per lamb sold at market by implementing an innovative, double-blind dutch auction bidding process.
  • Designed propietary DCF models of middle market farms ($15-60mm EBITDA) which drove external acquisition strategies.
  • Outlined structure for successful comedic undertaking involving lamb milk, your sister and babaganoush.
  • Hobbies include: Mountain climbing, world travel, milking, drinking milk and being milked

Later this month you will get to sample from additional elite applicants to Long or Short Capital, the oldest online financial humor analysis shop.

Share This, Please