Melissa Moody’s Ratings Alternative: The United States

by Melissa Moody

The United States Government

Previous Rating: BFFAE
New Rating: BFFBAS

There has been so MUCH gossipy chatter about those other rating agencies (not mentioning names, but Moodys, S&P and that Fitch Bitch) and whether they should or would downgrade the credit rating of our country, the United States of America. But no one has asked me Melissa Moody! And my answer is YES!!!! I would!

I know a thing or two about the rest of the world. I have seen most of Europe. I have stayed in its five star hotels. I have slept with Italian boys who wooed me with vespa trips to hilltops. I have even been to Prague. You would know this already if you checked my Facebook update I did with all my pictures from my JYA. I know what is up. And I know that the US has some shaky credit and the other countries I have been to know it too, because they are so worldly and interesting and have a much better way of life than us.

I also know a thing or two about using massive amounts of credit card debt to stimulate your economy. My sophomore year was very difficult on me. I felt like I had lost a step, gained a pound or two and lost that twinkle in my eye. I tried my own version of stimulus spending, racking up $15,000 in credit card debt to spend on “infrastructure” — a little lipo, a personal trainer and a dozen dresses from bebe that were super sexy. It seemed like I would be able to hot my way right out of slump!!!! But then the bill came. Literally, the bill came and I saw it and I was like “OMG” because I totally had no way to pay it off. And that’s when I started working the street….JK!! No, my dad paid it off and I was like “I love you daddy!”, but as far as I know the US doesn’t have a daddy who can pay off their debt burden, they only have an Uncle and he wears a creepy beard and is probably too busy pointing his old-man finger at people to help out.

I am downgrading the US to Best Friend Forever But Also a Slut. My rating would change upwards if the United States reins in its seemingly unchecked fiscal recklessness, or if it shows it has a daddy who can pay off the trillions in debt they have racked up on their Treasury card, but until that time, they will be notched as a slutty issuer.

Ratings Methodology:
Hey everyone! It’s me, Melissa Moody…not that other Moody’s you have been reading about. Actually that’s why I’m here I’m just so sick and tired of that other Moody! Their ratings stink, and they don’t know nearly as much as I do about debt, it’s true, I’m maxed out on 4 out of 7 credit cards I know I have a problem but I just can’t stop,ha ha. I can do a better job than Moody’s and that is what I’m gonna do! And let’s face it, their old ratings were too complicated. I mean Aa3, Baa1, Caa2, B1 who knows what that means? My ratings will be simple:

  • BFFAE (Best Friends Forever and Ever)
  • BFF
  • BFFLAF (Best Friends For Like Almost Forever)
  • BFFBAS (Best Friends Forever But Also a Slut)
  • BFFBIHH (Best Friends Forever But I Hate Her)
  • Whore

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  1. June 16th, 2009 | 10:59 am

    So China is what, the passive aggressive rich grandfather?

  2. June 16th, 2009 | 11:38 am

    China is the passive aggressive rich grandfather who will one day discover that he has no blood relation and will subsequently distance itself and rewrite his will.

  3. biggersmarter
    June 17th, 2009 | 11:31 am

    and the middle east is the greasy uncle who slips you a 20 to “go have fun…and tell me about it”

  4. Charles
    June 23rd, 2009 | 5:35 pm

    And Germany is the annoying cheapskate that never wants to get bottle service because “it’s such a ripoff”