My Privates’ Insurance

by Kaiser Edamame

So I was thinking over the weekend, what’s most important to me? I decided it’s my private parts. As I thought about these valuable assets I started thinking about how reckless I am with them. I realized I should either be more careful or take out an enormous insurance policy on them. I had heard of this being done before. I had also heard Lloyd’s of London was the place that could help me so I rung them up.

Lloyd’s operator: Hello, Lloyd’s of London how may I direct your call?

Me: Hi, I’d like to insure my privates.

Ll: Excuse me?

Me: My John Thomas. My knob. And my bits too.

Ll: What???

Me: My privates, I’d like to insure them, they are very valuable to me.

Ll: Sir, we can’t insure your privates unless they are income generating. They have to be valuable to someone else for us to insure them.

Me: Why? They’re valuable to my girlfriend.

Ll: It’s because of moral hazard, sir.

Me: Moral hazard? That’s a big word for a switch board operator.

Ll: Two words. We have to prove that you have an incentive not to let the goods be damaged.

Me: I’ll show you my incentive.

Ll: Are you hitting on me?

Me: Maybe. Depends on what you look like. What do you look like? And does Lloyd’s do field apprasials for their policies?

Ll: Cheers.


I am naked long my privates and am looking to hedge out my exposure in the open market. Any ideas on how to do so would be greatly appreciated.

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  1. Killian
    October 3rd, 2006 | 5:31 pm

    Maybe a default swap is the way to go? In fact, in today’s ever evolving markets you could put separate hedges in place for permanent default & temporary alcohol induced default.

  2. Coop
    October 3rd, 2006 | 5:55 pm

    I think people are focusing on the wrong problem here. Rather than hedging in the open market, you could probably have an easier time making your private parts an income generating entity. I would suggest a webcam, some nasty chicks, and a poorly designed webpage. This seems to be working nicely for many.

  3. October 4th, 2006 | 3:52 am

    Killian and Coop, Those are both great ideas. Thank you. A publically traded CDS of my manhood would probably be a great way to pick up chicks “Hi, I’m Kaiser, did you know my manhood hit a new 52 week high today?”

    Coop – While you’re right that the webcam addresses the root of the problem it goes the wrong direction in terms of reducing my risk of tempororary or permanent default.

  4. October 5th, 2006 | 2:16 am

    Just go do some Porn and they will cover you.

  5. Mr Juggles
    October 9th, 2006 | 10:57 am

    The porn industry generally compensates people at a flat rate per a shooting. Insurance is pretty rare.

  6. Hella Sober
    October 11th, 2006 | 12:24 am

    Even assuming he does porn, and it is recognized by Lloyds as a large enough income generating asset to be worthy of insurance… The price he would get paid in the case of a long tail event is in the tens of thousands of dollars which would not cover his whole long position. At least I assume he thinks his long position is bigger than that…