Long or Short Capital

Hello. I’m a new poster, my name is Johnny Debacle. JD for short. My MO is abbreviations. Because nothing beats a good abbrev. Well, nothing other than a cooler, better abbrev. The only abbrevs that I can’t stand are overused, hackneyed abbrevs (e.g. LOL et al). But really, comparing abbrevs? Come on, find a better use of time.

I’ve noticed some of the other longorshort bloggers using really big words so I thought I’d kick it off by helping the readers who don’t understand them.

iconoclast – this refers to a person who grabs on to icons, usually the ones on his desktop, and then drags them all over the place with no regard for human life. I know, random word huh?

esoteric – this word is only understood by a small group of people, I couldn’t get a hold of them to get a definition.

Finally I’d like to say that I am the man. I was watching Miss Teen USA last night, and turned to my buddy right when Miss Teen Ohio walked out and I said: “she’s the best, she’s got the goods”. Two thrilling hours later, she was crowned.

Now she’s moving to New York and has free hair care for a year, and boy did she earn it. I can’t wait to email her. Also, her favorite song is “Eye of the Tiger,” what a GREAT answer to that question, ha, eye of the tiger, that’s just great.

And short Creampies. Especially as baked by Patrick Byrne.

I’m an iconoclast, but a pie-analyst by training. We think the entire financial pie baking industry is inherently cyclical and is positioned to rebound in a big way after a couple of Sarbanes-Oxley induced down years. Mudpies are a strong buy per our recommendation, as we expect them to come back into fashion on a pro-forma basis. Pumpkin pie looks attractive at current prices too.

A larger theme in the “Long or Short” newsblogletter is that in any mania, look to the enablers, the proverbial “companies providing the shovels to the gold miners” rather than the “gold miners” themselves. Extending this framework to the frenzied pie market, we are currently recommending a long position in women, bred for their skills in baking. Target price $Unicorn.

We are initiating coverage on the Little People sector with the following ratings.
Gnomes – UNDERWEIGHT
Sky Gnomes – OVERWEIGHT
Dwarves – OVERWEIGHT
Elves – EQUALWEIGHT

Gnomes
Gnomes have been fading after a strong 2 year run fueled by gnome icon Giles Standish’s turn as the Travelocity spokesman. Giles took gnomes to previously unattained levels and improved the group’s overall reputation. Unfortunately, all good things must end and Travelocity recently announced a revamped marketing plan that included an early retirement for Giles. We wish him the best but downgrade the group as it appears unlikely that gnomes as a whole will be able to comp against the Giles loss, at least for the next year. Sell.

Sky Gnomes
We must confess that prior to today, we were completely unaware of sky gnomes. Luckily, we listened to the BSkyB (BSY) quarterly conference call this morning before publishing this initiation and learned of their incredible discovery of sky gnomes. Consider that 1) SkyTV plans to market these sky gnomes to their entire SkyTV subscriber base, 2) sky gnomes did not exist before today, and 3) we are talking about gnomes in the sky here — they are traditionally highly earth-bound creatures. Buy and hold.

Dwarves
The increased interest in dwarves has been well documented but they have further to go. As the Wall Street Journal noted, “some people are just into lavish dwarf entertainment.” Indeed. Increased desire for lavish dwarf entertainment is a long-term secular trend that we see continuing for the forseeable future. In fact, dwarf-related leisure options have heretofore been available only to the uber-wealthy including former Tyco (TYC) CEO L. Dennis Kozlowski and star Fidelity traders. However, we fully expect that time-shares and other financing options will make delightful dwarf diversions increasingly affordable to the middle class. Buy and hold.

Elves
Elves pose an interesting conundrum for any fundamentals-oriented investor. Clearly the group has benefited from Lord of the Rings exposure over the past three years. Now, with Peter Jackson’s masterpiece in the rearview mirror, elf investors are left with the historical (and unfair, we believe) association with fairies. Hold.
Compare and decide:

vs.

Mexican sauces are a really “hot” segment. Money inflows to new emerging sauce ETF’s have been a beacon announcing the market’s interest. But before you gobble up one of these funds, you need to consider what you are sticking your hard earned dollars into.

Mexican Mole Sauce is a storied chile sauce, flavored with cinnamon, and a bevy of exotic spices. Sell-side analysts adore Mexican mole sauce, using their feather pens to scribe about its “dynamic culinary miscegenation opportunities” and its recent “binomial marketing initiative.” But fundamentally, Mole Sauce looks like dirt and it TASTES like dirt. It takes a lot of tequila and a lot of Mexicans to produce. Altogether it is a costly and lengthy process.

Management has not addressed the risks of competitive sauces sourcing Mexicans from China. In fact, Mexican Mole Sauce has no China strategy whatsoever. And a footnote in the K reveals an even deeper problem. Listed in the ingredient section: “one teaspoon anise seed.” We recommend shorting Mexican Mole Sauce and shorting anise seed as well. Target price 7 pesos.

People fear that SC Nominee John Roberts will be an originalist constructionist contemplaterist platonic lover of agape. But all that “legal” analysis obscures the clear trends towards greater amounts of dance parties in the Supreme Court, a trend from which our readers can profit. The so-called “classic dance moves” are highly levered to Supreme Justice Dance Parties, so consider stocking your portfolio with the Sprinkler, Walking the Dog and even the high beta Jack Knife. Price targets of $Perf, $Perf.8 and $3.Perfty-perf, respectively.

Great call on Z, Juggles. You’ve done it again. Apparently Oscar the Grouch (who’s underweight everything) was on cnbc this morning hyping the letter z. It’s up big in the after-market, real big.

Also I’ve been meaning to tell the world about “perf”. It’s a number that I just invented. It’s between 6 and 7, not a decimal, a new integer. It’s on the number line in every place any number would be, the tens spot (perfty), the hundreds spot (perf-hundred), and so on. The numeral of perf is kind of like a capital E, unfortunately there’s no key on the keyboard for it – yet. I’m quite obviously long perf. It’s up perfty-perf percent just since I started writing this. I know, I don’t believe it either, it’s unbelievable.

Short Grammar.

Been overrated for awhile, weak book value, its fundamentals suffer from a cap structure built for speed rather than earnings. The Posting Industry is driven by quality on a primary basis, while timeliness is a secondary or tertiary factor. We have seen the industry move away from the infatuation with “First Post” as the market moving slashdot segment has matured. Our economists expect this trend to continue indefinitely. Target price for “First Post” is $Z.

I’m long the number Z. It’s been underperformed the S&P 1-100 number index for too long and it’s due to rally. The biggest knock on Z has been that it’s not a really a number. That’s a strawman argument if I ever saw one. There’s been a multi-thousand year run-up on integers and those now look like they’re setting up for a swing trade. I’m going long Z as well as i. They both look like they have solid support around the pi level and are due to reverse trend.

Alright Juggles, that post needed some punctuation – I’m now going long fragments, short run-ons . . . . ok forget that, I just tried to write a fragment and almost died of awkwardness. I’m now short run-ons, long imperatives. (you) Deal with it.

I’m also overweight interjections. BOOYAH!!

And shorting What the Bleep Do We Know!?.

Scientology is destined for a bounce once I get Clear, head to OT® 13 and embrace my Operating Thetan. I’m auditing, baby.

What the Bleep Do We Know!? is the new goto mysticism cult for the people who are easily misled, confused or who seek out quick-serve spirituality. DVDs featuring deaf chicks in surrealist fantasies and blond-haired middle-aged women channeling 35,000 year old fictional deities while talking about Quantum physics will not get you closer to the Truth. Sorry, but this is a proven fact. If you consider this movie transformational lifewise, submit your email to me so I can Short you. Now.

Two hydrogen atoms meet.

One says “I’ve lost my electron.”

The other says “Are you sure?”

The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

Long: Limes
Short: Lemons

This is the pair trade of the year. I am so long limes.

I overheard JD discussing his Long or Short Capital marketing optimization strategy with Dr. Gupta, who had asked about our transition from our old Blogger home:

“Overall, this strategy has led to a runrate of Google hits which has doubled for [LongorShortCapital.com] vs [LongorShort.blogspot.com]. We have lost the SE query flows from “Short Mexican Joke” and “Sexy Chinese,” but I think we’ll survive, especially because “Scone” and “”Short Goog” have been so strong for us.”