Updating Cephalopod Position: Shark vs Octopus

by Mr Juggles

Justifying our cephalopod recommendation from July, witness this video in which a giant pacific octopus dominates a shark in acquatic combat. Here is the footage. We reiterate our long position. Keep in mind that if the stock begins to tick up, there is a lot of tentacle pressure that could push it through the roof.

Background via Collision Detection:

Okay, so — the Seattle aquarium had a couple of Giant Pacific Octopi, and for logistical reasons they had to temporarily put one of them in a tank holding several sharks. They figured the octopus would be okay because it can change color to conceal itself from predators. But over the next week, the marine scientists came into work to find sharks are lying dead on the floor of the aquarium. Whatever was going on? They stayed around one evening and trained a camera on the water to see.


You have only 375 songs on your iPod: The Idiot Demographic

by Johnny Debacle

I’ve been thinking about music technology on a couple levels. First of all, I’ve been drawing together a proper music snobbery response to two of Craig Newmark’s posts, the first about how technology has killed the rock snob star and letting him know what the perfect album is. During this process, I came across this tidbit of information via CD.com: the overwhelming majority of people use only a paltry percentage of their iPod’s total capacity.

Why is that? The most obvious answer to me is that most people have such small brains that they can only handle having 375 options available to them. The second most obvious answer is that there is a constant 18 month moving average of 375 top 40 songs.

But why do people continue to buy iPod’s, and other digital music players, at capacity levels which they won’t ever approach? Because people are stupid and cannot properly gauge what they need. Alternatively, people are vulnerable to the power of marketing featuring Bono gyrating in bizarro shadow relief video style.

A running theme here at LOS.com is that in every group of people, most of them will be idiots. Applying this maxim here, in any group of iPod owners, most of them will be idiots. This is good news for Apple.com as any growth they hope to achieve, now that everyone and my mother has an iPod, is dependent on the continued existence of the Idiot Demographic (aka TID). Oh you have released a product which already far outstrips anything I need, costs twice as much, and is difficult to order? I must have the OmegaPod Mini Shuffle!

We think that you can always bank on idiocy. The post-war diamond industry was built upon this. So we will continue to focus on business plans and companies which are dependent upon TID. Future entries in this series include “Why own when you can lease for 50% more? The Rent-A-Center Story” and “SBUX: Hot water and filtered dirt for $4.50.”

Full Disclosure: JD owns an iPod Mini and an iPod Shuffle. He fully embraces his inner-hypocrite.


Lemonade from Hurricane Katrina

by Dr Deep Gupta

Pinnacle Entertainment (ticker:PNK) is a small-cap gaming company whose assets were particularly hard hit by Hurricane Katrina. Here is their Casino Magic Biloxi property.

The company yesterday held a call to talk about the damage they have suffered both in Biloxi and to their Boomtown New Orleans property. It was announced that the Biloxi casino needs to be rebuilt and will be with with the insurance proceeds. But the company faces a double-edged labor issue.

CEO Dan Lee, September 6th, 2005:

One of the ironic things we started looking at it and we are very concerned — what do we do with the 900 employees? We are continuing to pay them now. We can’t continue to pay them forever. No company can afford to pay people forever who are not working.

[Also,] how are [we] going to find people to work on rebuilding? Because as I said a minute ago, carpenters are going to be in short supply.

Labor on payroll that doesn’t fit their labor needs. Pinnacle has been handling this situation remarkably well, putting their workers’ first and handling the devastation with calm focus. Their solution to this particular problem is pure genius.

[Our] HR people are fervently trying to search out how to set up courses or classes for our employees that while we are getting organized, we teach dealers how to swing a hammer. And even people who work in housekeeping — there is a lot of people pushing brooms on construction sites.

We applaud PNK’s creativity under tough circumstances, even if we are dubious as to how well it will work in practice. The workers will definitely be incented to try and make the switch but most dealers I’ve seen seem to specialize in three things, namely, being a dealer, being a degenerate gambler on their spare time and ruthlessly crushing my spirit.


I Click Our Adsense Ads and It is Awesome

by Kaiser Edamame

Actual message conversation between Mr. Juggles and me about our Google Adsense Ads, (which are very clickable, if you are, you know, into that kind of thing):

MisterJuggles: How many clickthroughs have we gotten this week?
Me: I don’t know. It’s difficult to sort out the legitimate hits with the constant and perpetual click fraud I commit on a daily basis.
MisterJuggles: *laughter*

Don’t worry about GOOG and YHOO though, as I’m sure I’m the only who does this.

As an aside, does anyone know where I can get Neil Diamond tickets?

Adsense is eminently clickable


I’m Long Directnic.com…if they don’t get themselves shot by looting cops

by Dr Deep Gupta

Directnic.com is an ICANN accredited domain registrar based in downtown New Orleans. Through hurricane Katrina and its aftermath, they have continued to be operational and have continued to nameserve hundreds of thousands of domains, thanks to the miracles of gasoline generators, human ingenuity and the effective provisions of gasoline supplies.

Even more amazing is that they are blogging about it live and supplying a live video feed, which they move around as action warrants. The blog tells tales of survival, provisioning, former special forces training kicking in, cops looting, thugs shooting and even some shots of the blog writer’s model fiancee.

Right now we’re trying to show you all the looting. Guys pushing shopping carts with 40 Nike boxes in them. People breaking into cars. Assaulting ATM machines. It’s hard just to sit by and do nothing. That’s property that belongs to other people and these animals are just taking it.

You know, this crisis is going to end. One day it is going to be over, and people are going to have to live with themselves and the knowledge of how they behaved. The cowards, the thieves, the murderers. We’re getting a guy on cam right now stealing tires from one car and putting them in his car. What a bunch of monkeys. No respect at all for their fellow man. Like I said, one day this is going to be over, and I hope the shame overwhelms these bastards.

This blog is incredible and worthy of linking. And Directnic.com is redefining reliability…assuming they survive and don’t get crushed by a wandering riverboat casino like that Holiday Inn did.

We’re long Directnic.com, because they have corporate intestinal fortitude.


I Love You Honey. And This Time I Mean It.

by Mr Juggles

The diamond industry has tailored over 70 years of marketing around the idea that a marriage is NOT a marriage without the BLING. Their recent campaign underscores their updated message in a world where the role and composition of marriage is changing.

This anniversary, show her your love is everlasting by saying “I Forever Do.”

Say “I Forever Do” as opposed to the first time you made that promise….but didn’t really mean it. Well now you mean it forever, you do.

Another gem:

Only the gift of a diamond, as timeless and unique as your love, shows her you would marry her all over again.

In the past, many men have tried to show their devotion by treating their wives with respect, providing for them, and accompanying them to watch romantic comedies involving a woman and her bookstore (or a woman, her dog and a bookstore. Or a woman, her dog, and her 3 best friends, one of whom owns a bookstore and meets guys on IM). And they were all wrong. Thanks to the diamond industry and their products backed with extensive empirical romantical experimentation, we now know that only the gift of a diamond will suffice to show your wife that you will love her for foreverido.


Patrick Byrne Award for Operational Focus and Excellence: CSK Auto

by Mr Juggles

In May on their 1st quarter conference call, auto retail chain CSK Auto announced that they would be launching a secondary store initiative called Pay’N’Save. In the words of CEO Maynard Jenkins (via Streetevents):

Second, the Company has recently launched a new retail concept store named Pay N Save. Pay N Save, which targets a broader demographic than our CSK stores, represents one potential component of an important long-term growth strategy for CSK and is allowing us to develop new sourcing, particularly import sourcing for our merchandise.

Well, Maynard, that doesn’t sound so bad. What kind of goods will you sell at these Pay N Save stores?

Pay N Save stores plan to offer a consistent core of value merchandise, and I want to stress value, consisting primarily of tools, hardware, housewares and other household goods, seasonal goods such as tents, outdoor furniture, water toys, and a constantly changing array of unusual merchandise, such as industrial popcorn machines, garden windmills, full-size leather barber chairs, all at incredibly low prices.

Ahh the “Selling-Shit-from-China” business model. But, lest investors be concerned:

I want to assure everyone we understand what our main focus is and [we]will remain [focused on] automotive parts at CSK.

Because for an auto-retailer, nothing says focus like starting a whole new concept store to sell “an eclectic mix of items such as windmills, fishing gear, water fountains and bar stools.” CSK Auto, you win the Patrick Byrne Award for Operational Focus and Excellence. Congratulations, young padowan.


Racialistness

by Kaiser Edamame

Last week I attended two concerts at Madison Square Garden: Eminem/50 Cent and Neil Diamond. Both were great shows and I fit in well at both in my pin-stripe suit and Hermes tie (my Hermes tie is sweet, seriously).

After attending these shows I’ve decided something important about the difference between Caucasians and African-Americans: White people have respect but no soul. Black people have soul but no respect.

Neil Diamond is a great person and his songs show respect for love (“September Morn”), his country (“We’re coming to America”), and blue jeans (“Forever in Blue Jeans”); but sadly Neil Diamond does not have a soul – and it’s pretty obvious to anyone who was at that show.

Mr. 50 cent, on the other hand, now his singing and dancing are filled with soul but his song titles show pretty obvious disrespect for young ladies (“Surrounded by Hoes”), drug addicts (“High all da time”), and gangsters (“You ain’t no gangsta”).

If anyone has any ideas on how to combine the respectful attitude of Neil Diamond with the rhyming soul of 50 cent please email me at kaiseredamame@gmail.com.


Spam at its Best: Insider Scone Info

by Kaiser Edamame

I’m not one to buy products from spam, but whatever this guy is selling, I want.

From: Fridirique Citeaux [mailto:Fr�d�rique_Citeaux@mydomain.com]
Sent: Friday, July 22, 2005 2:42 PM
To: kaiseredamame@gmail.com
Subject: Sir Rodney’s Scones

TEST

The mystery, the suspense, I want it. Call me Freddy, pick up the phone and sell me a scone.


Very Long “Sexy Chinese Female Bloggers”

by Kaiser Edamame

Our position on outsourcing is still in the process of being formulated (I have, in a collaboration with Dr Deep Gupta, in fact, outsourced our position on outsourcing, more to follow on that later). But from our surface analysis of outsourcing, there are clear and undeniable positives.

Cheap sneakers for me to run in. Moneys and profits for Indians. The destruction of the US IT nerd underclass. The opportunity for people to work on a cruise ship, tax free, programming 60 hours a week, 1-3 miles off the shore of California, where the only law is the Sea. These things are incontrovertibly good.

There are almost no negatives to outsourcing, unless you consider alleged “abusive child labor to pad the pockets of the American affluent” a negative. To go against the curremt, I actually see this as one of the sweetest fruits of the globalization tree. Tiny little hands sewing my multinational quilt of opulence.

Which brings you to today’s post. Just now, the sweetest fruit of globalization has announced its intention to enter the market. From Blog Oriented (via MR.com):

We also have one phase of our design that we have not yet mentioned. A few of our investors think that it will be our biggest hit traffic-wise. I will go into it more in later posts but in brief it can be summed up as, “Sexy Chinese female bloggers.”

If we had one investment to make, one position to take, it would be to go long “Sexy Chinese Female Bloggers.” Get in on the IPO. Do whatever it takes. The greatest outsourcing investment opportunity of our lifetimes. Price Target $Perftyperftyeleven.


Proposed Changes to the Koran: Part 1

by Mr Juggles

My knowledge of Islamic doctrine is admittedly limited — I’m the same guy who thought that “Mecca” was a low-carb energy drink until early last week. Apparently, the Koran prohibits the paying or receiving of interest. It’s high time for Muslim leaders to update that belief because they’re missing out on the American dream and the greatest invention of the modern age: sophisticated financial products. Why should I be able to own 6 condos in Miami (and a duplex in the Valley) while Muslims everywhere are forced to barter for housing?

It just seems like the type of situation where Muslim leaders should get together and say “Ok, from now on, this rule only applies to excessive interest. No loan sharking but that mortgage from Countrywide is A-OK.”

I bet Mohammed would have been all about 4.4% fixed rate mortgages. He was only pissed because he had bad credit and the best he could do at the local medieval mortgage broker was a 7.8% 5/1 ARM. No way you want to put that kind of financing on a herd of mangy goats; you can’t get gap insurance on them! I’d be pissed too.


Short My Own Brain

by Johnny Debacle

JD here and my brain has been blown by the guys at MR. TC and AT usually hit me up with some mind bending econ, but this is something that has broken my cognitive visual powers to the nth degree. In this image square A and square B are the same shade of gray.

No, I didn’t believe it either. I looked it from every angle, I used every visual queue and I even tried some 3D glasses. Then KM hit me with this proof. Thanks KM, my brain is feeling less vulnerable now. My intuition will bounce back though, so be ready to jump on it long in the near future. Big time. JD out.


Aliboohoo: ??????

by Mr Juggles

Yes yes, this whole $1bn Yahoo-Alibaba stake aquisition deal is big news to some people and I’m sure it will have some sort of really important impact on China, Indochine, Siam and all those places.

But all these stock-crazed investors are missing the glorious naming opportunities as the two funniest corporate names come together as one. When they inevitably decide to create new names and rebrand all their products, a total no-brainer in this analyst’s opinion, the possibilities will be endless.

Yahooba has already been penned, but let’s delve into my grab bag of branding brilliance:

Aliboohoo. It calls attention to the emptiness of life and the pathos associated with a capitalistic bourgeois existence.

Yalibaboo!. Alludes to a distant time, the golden age of our Half-Human Half-Dinosaur ancestors, who founded civilization 33,000 years ago and created badmitton (still played to this day, the oldest sport in continuous existence).

Baba ali,ya? Hoo!. Who am I? Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Hoo!

Aliyahooblies. It booms out at you, making its presence felt from the very bosom of inspiration.

American China Auction and Search Corp. Provocative. Basic. Dynamic.

Hot-Hand in the Mahjong Game Inc

It pained my heart to learn that Who’s Your Daddy is already taken by a licensing company; but ?????? is still available.

It’s obvious to you that these names are positioned for explosive growth because, well, we said so, and that’s all the analysis you need. Strong Buy with a current price target of !.


Visteon

by Kaiser Edamame

Check out this slide I found in a recent Visteon investor presentation:

Visteon New Ideas

That’s right, believe it or not the hard working employees at Visteon have had 100% year-over-year growth in “ideas”. Now that is something. You might ask, well just how many ideas did they have? And that’s impossible to answer, because there is no scale whatsoever on the graph. For all we know 2003 could have been an extremely easy comp for ideas: Visteon employees could’ve sat around all year long reading books they had already read and, as a result, had almost no new ideas in 2003.

What I’d like to know is who had the idea to make and show this slide? And perhaps more importantly, was the idea for this slide included in the ‘new ideas’ calculation? If not, it’s possible that this slide is actually understating the true new idea growth.

So I just told my 15-year-old brother about this, he said that he thinks for every new idea he has today, he’s likely to have 2 new ideas tomorrow. That’s 100% growth in new ideas PER DAY. Impressive.

So conclusion is Long: My Little Brother, Short: Visteon. The thesis is that my Little Brother’s new idea growth will outpace Visteon’s by roughly 1x(10^109)% per year, roughly.


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