Satan’s Sinergies

by User Submitted

Submitted by reader MGW

The vatican has issued a new list of seven deadly sins. The updated sins include:

  1. “Bioethical” violations such as birth control
  2. “Morally dubious” experiments such as stem cell research
  3. Drug abuse
  4. Polluting the environment
  5. Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor
  6. Excessive wealth
  7. Creating poverty

Recommendation: The publication of these new sins has led us to upgrade all of the firms listed in Satan’s Portfolio to date from “Yes” to “Double Down”. As these firms surely commit at least one of these new sins, we expect they will realize significant previously unbudgeted “sinergies”, boosting valuations across the whole class.

Also, we are downgrading Wall Street firms to “Manual” down from “Spit” in light of the fact that they appear to be reformed sinners, the kind which have no place in Satan’s portfolio. Though they once “contributed to the widening divide between rich and poor” and created both “excessive wealth” (think Stephen Schwarzman) while also “creating poverty” (think everything they do to other people who aren’t either them or Stephen Schwarzman), their recent sub-prime losses have resulted in them actually narrowing the divide between rich and poor while destroying a whole lot of excessive wealth.

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  1. Anal_yst
    March 13th, 2008 | 4:47 pm

    So, the Vatican, as the wealthiest nation/state/etc in the World says that ‘excessive wealth’ is a sin.

    Funny how “rash hypocrisy” is notably absent from that list…

  2. The Dryer
    March 13th, 2008 | 5:52 pm

    Alter Boy diddling – also notably absent.

  3. ef
    March 14th, 2008 | 1:53 pm

    anal_yst: actually the vatican’s dirt-poor in terms of liquid $$ if I remember correctly. All their wealth illiquid (real estate and art they can’t or are not allowed to sell). Their actual cash is miniscule as the individual dioceses don’t have to kick anything upstairs to the vatican. they should take a lesson from the Mafia’s playbook.

  4. Gin&Tonic
    March 14th, 2008 | 2:24 pm

    So by investing in the Satan portfolio, would I be canceling out those who sheep/d bags who invested in Al Gore’s “Socailly Responsible” hedge fund?

  5. Anal_yst
    March 14th, 2008 | 4:54 pm


    As we learned from Bear Stearns, liquidity isn’t important, only the real true value of the positions, real estate, art or otherwise…