Sorry Guys, Friday Didn’t Happen

by Johnny Debacle

Ben Bernanke’s speechwriter’s first draft for a Monday morning pre-market open speech.

Good morning. There has been quite some concern about the general economic outlook of America. There also has been quite some concern about the existence of inflation. We will ignore the latter for the time being, at least until Zimbabwenomics is better understood and appreciated by the public. Let’s focus on the general economic outlook, and by that, I mean the stock market.

The end of last week was not pretty and I am surprised you didn’t hear my speech on Wednesday where I hinted that, yeah, some rates are gonna be cut and I will be bathing America in cheap money. Those of you who disregarded my comments should know something that is really going to make you feel foolish, but hopefully still willing to revert to some of that good old fashioned exuberance that helps keep these markets afloat.

Friday, February 29th, doesn’t count. That’s right. Simply didn’t happen. It was the leap day of a leap year, an anomaly, and we have the ability at the Fed to strike an anomalous day from existing. We plan to utilize this power that we have at our discretion, and via open market actions, remove the existence of February 29th from the record books.

If we let Friday exist, it will distort comparisons with prior years and also it meant that markets went down a lot. And to that I say, not on my watch, sir, not on my watch. So expect all your portfolios and investments to be reset to their close of business Thursday values very soon. And remember, who loves you? I do. Thank you.

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