The Sewer of Massachusetts

by User Submitted

Submitted by user Straight Cash Homie

The Great State of Rhode Island is a glorious place. 90% of all bridges and tunnels are structurally unsound due to large union influence. Roads are a complete mess with massive potholes everywhere. They have the highest income taxes of any state in the union which correlates with one of the highest unemployment rates (last #s were closing in on 13%). Except for Baller to Mega-Baller vacation areas such as Watch Hill, Weekapaug, Jamestown, Newport and the quaintly named Little Compton, all of which strangely have very, very low property taxes compared to the rest of the state. It’s proper name is Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, making it the longest official state name as well as the most resoundingly racist sounding.

More or less, it’s like a little Detroit but with a caustic trashy accent, a product called “coffee milk” which is branded Autocrat, and more Cape Verdeans per capita. So how do we solve the Rhode Island Problem? Do we just purge Providence, East Providence, Central Falls, and Pawtucket leaving the rest a gated community, a solution known as “Connecting a Cutt”?

The problem with that plan is that RI has the strongest third party of any state, a third party who would never lett you “Connect their Cutt.” The Mafia. So that is off the table.

So how do you erect a powerful economy with a powerful shadow party running the show from the champagne room? Sex and its sale.

The Great State of Rhode Island is a “closed door” state.” No brothels per se but whoring (not to be confused with “lawyering”, see whoring (esquire)) is cool so if it happens on a box, or with a fox, in the rain, or on a train, in a boat or under a coat. So long as all those places are enclosed by four walls. Phillip Markoff’s sensual massagecapades (like we said, Never Trust an Off) caused the conception of many prostitution-killing bills in the state senate. But in the greater interest of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, the Mafia stepped in, and made sure these new “morality” bills were stillborn.

Their next move was to evolve the sale of sex, putting the cherry on top that will allow RI to increase its competitive presence. Starting next month girls ages 16 and up can find gainful employment as strippers in the state. Can you say stimulus package? Who cares what the drop-out rate is if they can pull down 100k per year at the Foxy Lady or Cadillac Lounge. This is a great way to get kids off the streets and into a trade. On the Bob training, if you will.

“Women work” all suffers from the same humped shape. The fields of tennis, wife, and ex-wife all peak in the middle and suffer a rapid decline in earning power thereafter. Stripping is no different. The very short end has little to no value with a dramatic spike years 16 – 22, moderate decline to age 26, followed by a sharp plunge towards the area known as “thirtysomething”. Strippers, their earning power unfairly restrained by laws and so-called “morality”, were prevented from efficiently supplying their perpetually depreciating assets. The Mafia, first by preventing the closure of “the closed door” and later by advancing women’s labor rights, has increased the efficiency of asset allocation in RI and made great strides to put RI’s economy back on the map.

Recommendation: We’re upgrading RI from “Massachusetts’ Backwards Flowing Cesspool” to “Massachusetts’ Sewer Wherein the Skeevy Roger Williams Made His Home”.

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