Additional Ways to Raise the Bar at Bonus Time

by Drinky McDiligence

Since some firms already received their bonuses, it’s time to start Raising the Bar

To raise the bar in this case requires an accomplice, henceforth referred to as your confederate.

  1. Put a call into your confederate and make sure that they’re within earshot of the person you want to mess with (usually enemies, sometimes friends and always douchebags). This person should be someone who does not work in finance, and who does not have a full grasp of such employment. They shall be henceforth referred to as the mark.
  2. Have your confederate make it clear that they are speaking with you, and then start feeding them lines to exclaim aloud.
    Example:
    You: Ask me how my review went, then make an exclamation and ask
    Your confederate: How did your review go?
    You: It went well, they gave me [insert barely reasonable amount then multiply by the Raising the Bar multiplier of 1.2].
    YC: BY ZEUS, [1.2x the barely reasonable amount] is the most ever for a third year. I hate you. [1.2x the barely reasonable amount] is ridiculous.
  3. When your confederate is out of earshot of your mark(s), find out if the mark was trying to listen or stopped their conversation. They only need to have heard one side of the above conversation to have absorbed the full effect

The above tactic will have manifold effects. Your mark will be made to:

  • Think they’re getting a huge bonus if they haven’t received one yet.
  • Think their “investment banker” (I don’t know what (s)he actually does, but (s)he works at XYZ Asset Management, how much do you think (s)he makes?) girlfriend/boyfriend is going to get a huge bonus.
  • Hate you for getting more than they will get.
  • Hate themselves for not working in finance.
  • Feel the above points for no good reason, due to the fact that while those non-finance douches think you’re an investment banker, the reality is that your bonus was probably only $1000 in quarters because you’re an event planner at an investment bank.
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