Douchebag Deflated, Time To Buy?

by Sir Equity Go is soliciting suggestions to replace “Douchebag” as their go-to description of everyone who acts like they do but isn’t actually them. Douchebag has proven to be the most versatile insult currently available on the public market, gaining ground in all parts of the insult cycle. While the force of the insult has been diluted by mass adoption over the last several years, trade volume has spiked recently due to the increased popularity of Investment Banking jobs and several political scandals.

As I have a personal affinity for this word, I would hate to see it replaced by a shiny new insult. To illustrate the lasting power and versatility of the word, allow me to quote a passage from my own memoirs, “Equity A-Go-Go:”

I had called him a douche.

‘You are a douche’

The insult hung in the space between us for an eternity.

As my foe absorbed the force of the word, his anger tensed to repel the familiar antecedent that he knew would follow. He leaned in, bracing himself. But there was no “Bag”.

He faltered, doubt racing from his mind through to the depths of his soul. As he fell, he cursed that word, that fickle ender of arguments. Beaten by a bag-less douche. Shame would surely overcome his family.
(Go, Sir Equity. “Equity A-Go-Go:” Oxford University Press, 1993).

Recommendation: While holding “Douchebag” seems like a good strategy in itself, we are in favor of holding a basket of “classic insults”. Classic insults seem to be undervalued due to a temporary drop in demand. We like this insult class due to their historic ability to evoke humiliation across a broad base of recipients, without needing to be micromanaged. The insult class should also benefit from the absence of any exposure to the insult backdating scandals in which insulters would retroactively replace the actual insult they delivered with ones that were perfectly tailored to humiliate their insultee and improve their reputation as someone not to eff with.

Recommended picks in this space include “Douchebag”, “Ass”, “Dick” and in the industrial end of the market, “C***sucker”, “Mother***er” and “A**hole”. Unsexy, classic, consistently generating returns with low volatility — these are the insults Warren Buffett would love to use.

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  1. Brian
    November 3rd, 2006 | 12:49 pm

    I always thought “Gawker reader” was pretty devastating.

  2. November 3rd, 2006 | 1:18 pm

    Once again, you Americans are formulating a strategy that doesn’t capture a global upside. Whil(e/st) ‘Douchebag’ may be a common insult in America, its popularity is gaining across the world as it spreads ‘virally’ via South Park episodes on YouTube. So, while you suggest hold – I recommend a strong buy.

    Interestingly, the reverse did not happen with the Blues Brothers populari(s/z)ed the phrase “How much for the little girl?”, which is according to the interweb, a common French insult [1].

    To capture the latent value in French nationalism, I would be more than happy to sell a FRINV06 [2] to any grenouille who happens across my bureau.

    [2] ibid.