Baby Carriage Exposé Part 4: Modern Day Mobile Fortresses

by Johnny Debacle

Since Colombus sailed the ocean blue, babies have been growing. Through research and development, they have amassed a formidable fleet, first of prams, then of the early model carriages and now…now they roam the streets in mobile fortresses poised for the right moment to take what in their minds will one day be theirs.

A man of sound body had a fighting chance against a 1954 Sears model baby carriage. The approach would be to avoid the razor spikes on the wheels, attempt to compromise the integrity of the spokes, and then push destabilize the carriage section, hopefully capturing the baby alive for interrogation. The odds of survival for a man in such a conflict were 25%, per the marketing material Sears provided to their baby end customers.

The average stroller-class carriage these days is the approximate size of three and a half golden retrievers. It weighs 10 stone, and it can carry enough rations, supplies and oxygen to sustain baby life in an abandoned freezer or the surface of the moon for two weeks. It most commonly comes outfitted with a camo kit that makes it impossible to see amongst women dressed in sporty activewear.

Modern baby carriages are fully weaponized and packed to the gill with sophisticated systems. Apocryphal tales tell of carriages mounted with sonic weaponry that can incapacitate a man at a range of 100 yards, with targeting systems so advanced that a baby can take down a dozen men without having to do anything but roll around, while squealing, giggling and making a poop.

Research shows that babies spawned from fertility treatments frequently man super-tank carriages. Imagine two baby carriages smushed together. Then imagine two MORE baby carriages smushed into those previous smushed-together baby carriages. One of these massive super-tank level carriages is enough to subdue a town of 15,000 people or to make it incredibly difficult for a pedestrian to get around them in a crowded subway car.

And this is where we stand today. A fleet of millions of mobile fortresses, waiting for the right moment to rise up and seize their birthright, pushed about by their Parent slaves, while most of the masses of Man stare on blankly, their ignorance rendering their greatest threat invisible.

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