Cephalopod Positions Rising from Underwater

by Johnny Debacle

The hook in the picture is the size of a double decker bus, think on thatIt appears that our future overlords are putting feelers out on the world which they will soon own. Japanese scientists filmed and a caught a live giant squid for the first time last week (see our previous reseach reports Long Cephalopods, Updating the Cephalopod Position: Shark vs Octopus and The Cephalopod Index Is Officially Out of Control). No, the Japanese are not planning on taking over the world like they tried to in the late 80’s. The squids and their cephalopod brethren are the ones who seek to rise from the depths of the ocean. Or perhaps they would rather simply rise the depths of the ocean?

Who is really behind global warming (see releated research report Make Emissions Delicious, Stop Global Warming)? They claim that it’s carbon emissions or other man-made causes which are the problem. But whenever we want to get the heart of an issue, or find a cause for something, we always ask the question “Who has the most to gain?” In this case, man gains little and potentially loses a lot by causing global warming. Less land will be hospitable, tropical zones will spread bringing with them malaria and a bevy of diseases, less rain will fall, hurricanes will be more frequent and more violent, polar bears will drown, and more land will be underwater.

Think about that last point. Who gains from that? Surely not man, who cannot swim well and is afraid of sharks. Surely not the Grizzly Bear, who while adept in the water and capable of fishing, would need at least a small stone perch in order to defeat a Great White Shark in the wild. Surely not the Cheetah, who while swift on foot, is so inbred that there is not enough diversity in his genepool to adequately fend off disease. Surely not the Platypus, who is famously neutral in all inter-species issues. Who does this logically leave? The Cephalopods, the creatures who lurk in the depths of the ocean, who duel with whales and kill sharks. They will be the masters when the world is underwater and thus they are likely behind global warming.

Recommendation: This small giant squid was location scouting for his leaders, searching out the best landside seastates for future wealthy squids. While traditionally seaside land in warm climates has been desirable real estate, when the squids take over, landside sea will be the real estate worth owning. We do not recommend flipping your seaside real estate for landside sea as of yet (our catalyst would be a sea creature Bastille event at a major acquarium), but we do recommend hedging all your real estate with offsetting sea. This offers an important hedge against the growing likelihood of dominant species regime change. We continue to recommend a long position in the Cephalopod Index, as a hedge against the end of overwater civilization as we know it.

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    January 2nd, 2007 | 9:53 pm

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  3. Cepha-king
    November 27th, 2007 | 10:37 am

    Take me to your leader.

  4. blau fraulein
    April 14th, 2008 | 10:01 am

    i dont understand why it is called octopus vs. shark when it is giant squid vs. shark !!!!

    awesome picture though!!!