Crabs — Cephalopods or Crustaceans?

by Johnny Debacle

Reader Fadi commented that “Mmm. Crabs are crustaceans, not cephalopods.” This really depends on what the definition of “cephalopod” is. Scientists mistakenly use the term “cephalopod” to mean a very specific type of creature. Per wikipedia:

The mollusc class Cephalopoda characterized by bilateral body symmetry, a prominent head, and a modification of the mollusk foot, a muscular hydrostat, into the form of arms or tentacles.

Unfortunately for Fadi, for scientists and for people of that ilk, we live in the real world and not the world of science. Here a “cephalopod” is a cephalopod and all their allies. And as we all know Crabs:Cephalopods as WWII Italians: WWII Germans — fun-loving incompetent bottom-feeders who love spaghetti and wouldn’t mind being along for the world domination ride.

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  1. John Bott
    August 13th, 2009 | 12:32 pm

    Please note, this landed in the inbox of a co-worker – clearly the work of cephalopods given the Freudian slip of “widen our tentacles.”

    Greetings to you ,
    I greet you and I hope that you will be ready to explore this area of business opportunity.
    In introduction, I am Brother Stephen Aka,I am the assistant parish Priest at St Anthonys cathedral here in Abidjan.

    I seek your partnership in a business interest which I am sure will be to our mutual benefit. The Parish Priest of St Anthony’s Cathedral His Holiness Father Benson Ibiko,has been in a secret business relationship with a certain American. This American comes every three months and buy over 2000 kg of Gold dust which he exports to different secret locations with the assistance of the Parish Priest.

    The Gold itself is purchased Directly from the association of local miners that are not under Government lines of operation. The Gold dust which is 22 karat purity is purchased at the price of US$7,000 per KG.

    I have been monitoring this secret transaction for months now, Presently the American is in town and yesterday when having launch with the Parish priest he forgot his file in the parlour where I was sitting and I had some ten minutes to look into the file.I discovered that this American supplies this Gold Dust to several weathy clients in Asia ,Australlia ,Britain, USA and Middle East. Before they came in and retrieved the file,I was fast enough to get the details of an Arabian Prince to whom they sell this Gold to at the Price of US$9950. per KG.The Arabian prince is asking for about 900 kg of Gold dust.

    I am writing this mail so that you can contact the Arabian PRINCE AND INFORM HIM THAT WE CAN SELL THE GOLD TO HIM AT THE PRICE OF US$9,000 per KG.

    This is good business, If you can arrange this, I will stand in here to help you with the locals. We can get the gold dust directly to the Arabian Prince on regular basis and from there we can widen our tentacles.

    However, the Arabian Prince must not have my contacts as this could be disclosed to the American businessman and I will be placed in serious jeopardy. All you will do is to contact the Arabian Prince and tell him that you will supply the same quality of Gold dust to him cheaper and you will contact the locals and tell them that you are ready to market Gold dust for them.
    If you are ready please reach back to me immediately so that we can discuss percentage or commissions and how to proceed.But if we must work togther,it will be important we reach The Arabian immediately so that he will cancel all deals with the American.

    Most importantly,the arabian will have to pay cash before we can supply the gold to him.
    The 900 kg of gold dust at the price of US$9000= US$8,100,000. The Arabian will pay this amount into your account and you will remit this amount for the purchase; 900 kg x US$7000 = US$6,300,000.

    Our profit will therefore be US$8,100,000-US$6,300,000 = US$1,800,000.

    This will be for the start.We will soon expand the network.All you will do is to be the middleman.

    Best Regards,

    Father Stephen Aka.

  2. newyorker
    August 13th, 2009 | 4:05 pm

    Chicks, pirates, even investments please. Anything but cephalopods or twitter.

  3. August 13th, 2009 | 4:24 pm

    How about….more Twitter and more Squid!

  4. August 14th, 2009 | 12:38 am

    I hate calamari.

  5. Dead_Cat
    August 14th, 2009 | 11:26 am

    Really, newyorker has a point. Twitter is completely pointless and the summaries posted are indecipherable and probably not worth the effort even if they do mean something. The cephalod series is art imitating life – it seems to be taking over, even though it has no comic backbone. Likewise babies in prams. Where are the new posts telling us how to tell if we’re micro-ballers or whatever?

  6. newyorker
    August 15th, 2009 | 1:07 am

    Then there’s the walrus. Now that’s one animal that’s worth covering.

    Or is it? 23 to 1 during mating season is the same as 23 per year, which is less than one every two weeks. And don’t forget, he’s mating with women who are _walruses_.

    I bet most of us have a better alpha.

  7. James
    September 9th, 2009 | 4:29 pm

    Why isn’t this site funny anymore?