Dear Ben

by Johnny Debacle

Dear Ben,

Congratulations! I have heard the good news that you will be reappointed as Fed Chairman and I have to say that you’ve earned it! It’s been a long fourish years, but in that period of time there isn’t likely a single soul who wouldn’t agree that Fed’s commentary and actions have reeked of unequivocal success. When you make a call, Ben, you nail a call. I remember back to November 2007 when you said:

Our forecast is for moderate but positive growth going into next year. We think that by the spring, early next year, that as these credit problems resolve and, as we hope, the housing market begins to find a bottom, that the broader resiliency of the economy, which we are seeing in other areas outside of housing, will take control and will help the economy recover to a more reasonable growth pace.

Paulson may have been the hammer, but you provided all the nails when it came to nailing that economic forecast for 2012. People may quibble about timing, especially since your policy for the dollar and your far-reaching Fed actions of questionable legality were predicated on the timing and accuracy of your forecasts, but those people are the vocal minority; those fools probably hope to have grandchildren whose government won’t be crippled by an untenable debt load. Selfish morons!

Now, I can’t say I always envisioned you in your current role. As a child, when you weren’t eating dirt or inflating sandbox economies, you spent most of your time forming your arms into rotor blades and making yourself into a helicopter, or a Bernankptor as you liked to call it. PHWIT PHWIT PHWIT PHWIT would be the accompaniment your mouth provided before you’d set down the Bernankptor with a THWOMP. You were so happy then as a boy, it brings a smile to my soul to know that boy is still spinning his rotor blade arms inside the Federal Reserve walls. I can picture you now, alone in your office, behind your mahogany desk, arms out, PHWIT PHWIT PHWIT PHWITting about.

But this is neither here nor there. I’m writing because I’m just so proud of you. It was always clear that you were around 70% tardass and we thought you’d never even become a helicopter pilot of any kind. Today, The Obama is reappointing you as Dollar Force Pilot 1. It fills my heart with pride.

Love,
Mom

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