Disclosure from Counsel on Dim Teithner

by Pleb, Esq.

As retained illegal counsel for LoSC, I sometimes perform consulting work for other clients. The terms of our engagement require me to disclose the nature of such work to you where it could create a conflict of interest within the firm. Naturally, I really only perceive such conflicts where the nature of the conflict is such that, it would not endanger our attorney-client relationship, or more importantly my ability to pay for my sweet M5 Beemer or to keep my equally sweet mistress in blow and cheap expensive champagne, the only two things she apparently requires for sustenance.

I was recently retained to perform some consulting work by a shadowy figure who identified himself as Dim Teithner. I do not perceive a conflict of interest here but am disclosing it to just in case, if by some remote and far-fetched chance, Mr. Teithner is in some type of adversarial relationship to you.

Mr. Teithner asked for assistance in crafting a marketing campaign to sell a new regulatory initiative. The thrust of the initiative was that Mr. Teithner’s crew would force a business to take a loan, then
refuse to allow payback, instead taking a novel no-stock-controlling-interest in the business that, to my knowledge, has only been tried in Italy-related businesses.

He needed legal review of the following marketing catchphrases designed by his brightest young staffers, aimed at selling the initiative to a marketplace he indicated was unduly (and shockingly) skeptical of his products. The phrases included:

This is the bottom line, because Stone Cold Larry Summers said so.

Show me the puppies!

Timothy 3:16

Can you smell what Barack is cookin’? and,

Suck it!

When I pointed out first that those lines were clearly based on classic professional wrestling catchphrases, Mr. Teithner threatened to “bend [me] over and stress test your o-ring, mother-[expletive]!” Still, I persisted, and reminded him that in light of the contemplated commercial use, the user would be subject to treble damages under federal law for intentional copyright infringement.

Despite Mr. Teithner’s protests that “I AM the law, bitch,” I persisted and suggested other catchphrases that might be more suitable and legally-compliant themes for Mr. Teithner’s campaign, or at any rate belonging to entities less likely to file lawsuit than Vince McMahon, including:

Resistance is futile!

I am the master of your domain.

I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!

Tell me how my ass tastes!

Arbeit macht frei, aber Wir befreien Ihr Geld! and,

All your basis points are belong to us!

It is not clear to me what course Mr. Teithner will choose to take, but I am sure it will be a wise one. As he explained, “alls he’s tryin’ to do, is run a business heah.”

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