How to Get it Done – In the Afterlife

by Kaiser Edamame

Well, Ash Wednesday is coming up so I’m thinking about how some day I’m going to die, and so are you. I thought I should look into some posthumous procedures in order to make sure that I leave this world the same way I’ve lived in it: as a mini-baller. You can imagine my excitement when I found Celestis. Celestis will burn your flesh and bones into a dusty paste and then put it in a vial, tape you to the side of a rocket and shoot you into deep space.

You might think it’s pricey, but you’re wrong. The cost is only $495. Now naturally as a mini-baller I was hoping to pay more and luckily, there’s a premium product. For an extra $800, Celestis will actually put you in orbit around the earth for eternity. Better, closer, warmer. . . but still on the cheap side for my last huzzah. After some reflection I decided I would prefer that the earth orbit me. I sent them an email for an estimate and will report back.

Side-Note: Through a proprietary and patented process we call due-dili, Long or Short has discovered the reason that NASA has a $17bn budget, a staff full of “rocket scientists” and still can’t make a plane that won’t shed ‘suitcase sized debris’ every time it takes off. It’s all a scam. That’s not debris, it’s the dead, and NASA is KILLING IT by taking them to space, or sometimes just really high off the ground.

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  1. January 31st, 2007 | 11:34 am

    Should I change my name to Drinky McDili?

  2. RC
    January 31st, 2007 | 12:50 pm

    That is hysterical. I viewed the website, and love how they note under the Voyager option that they will relaunch you (at no extra cost) into deep space if the first attempt is not successful. Paying the extra buck to successfully hedge against an unsuccessful launch? I’m guessing since they’re only launching 1 gram of one’s dust…there are low barriers to entry here as an enterprising Intel award winner could design a rocket in their basement and put a thimble of anyone on it for a much loser cost.

  3. Duke Sucks
    January 31st, 2007 | 1:17 pm

    Nice use of the D.

  4. HarlemHaberdasher
    January 31st, 2007 | 11:06 pm

    RC: I think you have unknowingly just made a rather clever “barriers to entry” double entendre, given the context of traversing/penetrating the earth’s atmosphere (or perhaps it was made knowingly?). I suppose, though, that at approximately 62 miles above the earth’s surface depending on which scientist you ask, the earth’s atmosphere is not exactly a “low” barrier of entry.

  5. Boyband
    February 1st, 2007 | 5:53 am

    Criminal error, the Earth is already orbiting you (technically) so the barriers to entry for this product are zero, please send your cash to me immediately……

    Certified Rocket Scientist