The Gmail Account of a Mini-Baller

by Kaiser Edamame

I was looking for an email I recently sent to the other LoS writers where I attached a 42-page white paper that explicitly lays out the spending habits needed to achieve baller status, it’s entitled “A Psychographic Analysis of Luxury Spending” and if you’re serious about becoming a baller I highly recommend you read it.

I knew I must have used the word “baller” in the email so I searched for “baller, not mini” and gmail displayed messages “1-20 of 37”.  37 seemed like a respectable number of times to have talked about being a baller over email but was a little below what I might have hoped.  Luckily I was reassured of my priorities after the following searches:

get it done –  1-20 of 50
I searched for the phrase in “quotes” so it only picked up usage of the whole phrase and I think 50 is a respectable number of times to have told people to get it done over email.

mini-baller –  1-20 of “about 80”
Again searching in quotes, this was interesting as apparently I’ve used mini-baller 116% more often than baller by itself.  This clearly shows how far I have to go before becoming a baller given that one of the requirements of being a baller is not knowing what a mini-baller is.

LGA      –       1-20 of  “hundreds”
Now I’m getting somewhere.  The only emails where these three letters showed up in this order are 1) itineraries for my jet set lifetyle flights out of Laguardia and 2) email exchanges between me and a tight guatemalen chick I know named oLGA.  In either case the fact that there are hundreds of these emails is a huge win for me.

Below balance alert –        1-20 of “hundreds”
I have a “Below balance alert” from Chase set up that notifies me daily anytime my checking account balance is below $100, I set the alert in March 2005 so given that there’s only 545 days which I could have received this notice, I think “hundreds” is a pretty mini-baller outcome.

I loaded up the E and created this “Pie of a Pie” chart to represent the results clearly.

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  1. andrew
    September 6th, 2006 | 12:30 pm

    Epic analysis of your gmail activity. Surely you are well on your way to baller status. How many times did ‘Lucy Gao’ show up in your inbox? Even a few hits there could set you back towards mini-baller status.

  2. Mr Juggles
    September 6th, 2006 | 12:56 pm

    That looks like Pacman puking while ripping another Pacperson (to whom he was affixed via pacrope) in half. Gruesome shit.

  3. ko
    January 31st, 2007 | 1:55 pm

    Do you have a new link to find the “baller paper”?

  4. January 31st, 2007 | 2:22 pm

    What would that be?

    We do have a link to everything tagged as baller related

  5. hood baller
    August 9th, 2007 | 7:25 pm

    where da the pdf at homie?