How to Improve the Value of AT&T (T)

by Johnny Debacle

Cingular AT&T Wireless Presented by AT&TThis report is gratis, AT&T (T).

  1. Come out with pink phones with bows on them. Chicks eat this stuff up. Similar to the advice we gave Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) about the “Pink Dollar“. You don’t even have to make the phones work, just make them pretty and expensive then seed them to Jennifer Aniston and Gisele or whoever is on the cover of US Weekly.
  2. Continue with your rebranding of Cingular as AT&T. Although Cingular spent more money (~$5bn) than any other US advertiser over the past 4 years in order to establish itself as a leading wireless brand, the smart move is to toss that out and convince consumers that it is the AT&T brand which should now be associated with wireless operations and the future. As opposed to AT&T’s current association with the dead-end fixed line business that has been at AT&T’s core for decades. It may be true that the few people who already associate the AT&T brand with cellular service had terrible experiences as subscribers of the company’s original, disastrous cellular carrier (which was sold to Cingular). But the key here is to clearly convey to the market that you manage your brands at random, which is a theme reiterated in this report.
  3. To reiterate a theme from earlier in this report, once the public are locked onto AT&T as the name of your wireless division change it from AT&T to Verizony. After you have spent a year as Verizony, cannibalizing people who thought they were signing up for Verizon (NYSE: VZ) and who were subsequently pleasantly surprised that the company’s customer service wasn’t nearly as abysmal as they thought, change your name to T-Mobility.
  4. Use your T-Mobility disguise to persuade Catherine Zeta-Jones to reenact that scene from Entrapment for your executive team. You know the scene. The one with the lasers and a perfect apple.
  5. After changing your name to Mobinilish and become the leading provider of wireless services in Egypt through confusion, sign on to be the exclusive provider for Apple’s (NASDAQ: AAPL) upcoming iBrain product (portable personality uploading/downloading through iTunes). We expect this item to kill as the globe embraces the new social personality portability paradigm.
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