Colossal Squid: Future World Power

by Johnny Debacle

Just months after the first live giant squid was captured on film, New Zealand fisherman caught the largest squid ever, a 990lb colossal squid which measures 46 feet long in length. The next largest squid ever was 660lbs. The increasing frequency of giant and colossal squid sightings continues to point to only one logical conclusion — squids are scouting out the surface world for conquest and real estate development for when global warming fully empowers them to master the human race.

Some background on the colossal squid:

This squid has one of the largest beaks known of any squid and also has unique swivelling hooks on the clubs at the ends of its tentacles.

This combination allows it to attack fish as large as the Patagonian toothfish and probably to also attempt to maul sperm whales.

“When this animal was alive, it really has to be one of the most frightening predators out there. It’s without parallel in the oceans,” said Dr. O’Shea.

Source: BBC

Global warming ensures that the oceans will rise and cover more of the Earth, causing polar bears to drown left and right and man to be subject to dominance by squid. In a world filled with ocean, we recommend having a position in the being which is “without parallel in the oceans” and which is three times the size of a bus.

Related Reseach:

Ad Sense Ad Sense


  1. JCauto
    March 8th, 2007 | 9:07 am

    Colossal squid? That’s the best name they could come up with? Short the scientist who squandered a once in a lifetime opportunity. I move we henceforth refer to this beast as something awesome, like Giganticus.

  2. March 8th, 2007 | 9:09 am

    The sciency name is “Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni”.

  3. HarlemHaberdasher
    March 8th, 2007 | 1:39 pm

    From msnbc dot com, that paragon of analytical reporting:

    “The brain of a 275-kilogram giant squid is only about 20 grams and shaped like a doughnut, he says, “There’s not a lot of comprehension going on up there.” Might the colossal squid be brighter than its smaller cousin? “Doubtful,” says O’Shea. “In all likelihood, it’s one of the stupidest creatures in the sea.””

    It sounds like you guys hit it on the head with the real estate development comment.

  4. March 8th, 2007 | 2:41 pm

    What if they find an even larger species? Will they call it the Biggerest Squid?

  5. March 8th, 2007 | 2:55 pm

    The Most Colossalest Squid.

  6. Goldman Slacks
    March 8th, 2007 | 3:20 pm

    Are the colossal squids the ones that are driving up real estate prices and causing the overbuilding of luxury condos?

  7. March 8th, 2007 | 3:21 pm

    The Mostest Colossalest Squid.