JD Loves WSJ Headlines!

by Johnny Debacle

Sometimes I think you people (yeah I said it, and I’ll say it again, YOU PEOPLE) read this rag too much, so I’m going to help you out. Stop reading it immediately. I have read everything* in today’s WSJ and will give you all the usable information you need right here. Since you won’t waste your time reading the long pieces, it’s more efficient for you. Since I won’t waste my time writing about how whales are gossipy bitches, it’s more efficient for me. Mugabe Optimal.**

Format: Headline —> Digest

As Congress Goes on Break, Health Lobbying Heats Up —> Elected officials, former elected officials, former staffers, and the Healthcare industry are deciding how much they plan to redistribute from us and our children to their wallets. The amount they agree on is “A Lot.”

Economists Upgrade Second-Half GDP Forecasts —> The same economists who didn’t predict this recession, didn’t predict the last bull market, and forecast a hockey stick second half for 2008, got together and decided that things look fantastic now. And this time they mean it.

China Says Migrants Are Employed Again —> In China, most migrants are still unemployed and subsisting on a diet of toxic water, battery acid, “recycled” US computer monitors and corn syrup. This is the way it is despite reports to the contrary from the Chinese government.

Kabul Is Shelled By the Taliban —> The Taliban is so cocky that they actually went to the shores of Cape Cod where they summer, collected quahogs, and then flew back to arm their catapults and trebuchets with these taunting shells. Kabulians said on the street that the Taliban attacks are entirely “shellfish.”

Bogus Theories, Bad for Business —> Consultants are tardasses.***

Quick! Tell Us What KUTGW Means —> This piece is ROFLMAOWFYMITA funny. Short version: old people are still old and are pushing to understand transient language without using their brains. If someone asks you the headlined demand and is not fucking with you, send them this link http://tinyurl.com/negp38.

Morningstar India Gets Its Start —> Indian mutual funds will now be rated based on short term historical returns, connections and the veneer of competence.

Me & MY CAR —> Fred is lonely, his wife leaving him two years ago for a man named Teake, twenty years his junior and built like a big red firetruck. As a 54 year old divorcee, Fred has spent the last two years trying to find love through blind dates, Great Expectations (the dating site, not the book, although as a result of his old age (see above, Quick! Tell Us What KUTGW Means) and a misunderstanding, he originally did try the book only to discover it would not actually help him find love) and Craigslist. To give you an idea of how it’s gone, he started on Craiglist’s “men seeking women” category, then moved on to “casual encounters” and has only been frequenting the “services > adult” section in recent months. But what Fred has discovered is that his true love is his car, which he calls “MY CAR.” “MY CAR” really revs his engine and the time he puts into maintaining it is paid back in the form of miles and miles of pleasurable driving, while the time and money he poured into the women in his life has only ever given him an empty heart, sex whose quality was always depreciating to zero and a crater in his bank account. An automobilistic modern day fairy-tale.

* None of these articles were actually read.
** This doesn’t actually describe a Mugabe Optimal state.
*** Tardass. Like a time machine from a Brit Scifi show, but more tard, less time travel.

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POSTED: 08/5/09 9:45 AM
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