On Your Deathbed, You Will Long for Love, You Will Have None, Unless…

by Johnny Debacle

Valentine was a saint by some accounts. By other more masculine accounts, Valentine was a cruel master, only interested in ensuring that men were immured in love. At this, Valentine was a complete success. He built his day to be the perfect prison, the Alcatraz of holidays.

Some relationship-ensnared men have tried to escape, oh yes, they have tried. Every attempt has led to either a drowning in the cool rivers of Nosex or a plunging to the steeped tips of Shivintheribwhilesleeping. As your advisor, as someone who is paid to be smarter than you, and most importantly (but least sincerely), as your friend, we implore you not to try to escape. Your best bet is to give in, to roll over and focus on surviving.

Survival requires one thing — buying your girlfriend one of the following: flowers or chocolates or shiny shit. Again, as your advisor and friend, we have helped you out and provided below a handy link to the VERY best supplier of flowers and chocolates in the whole world, FTD.com. Please, for your own sake, not for ours in any way, click the link below and buy something for your girlfriend before you find your lungs suffuse with the frigid waters of the river Nosex.

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  1. To The Hilt
    February 8th, 2008 | 12:01 pm

    On my deathbed, I will receive total consiousness

  2. bfellows
    February 8th, 2008 | 12:42 pm

    gunga gulunga

  3. pirate vs squid
    February 8th, 2008 | 2:09 pm

    if i click on your ad, will it improve my dividend?

  4. ejs
    February 8th, 2008 | 2:52 pm

    Great way to subsidize your purchase of shiny shit for your GF so you don’t drown in the frosty waters of Nosex.

  5. Wa-izzle
    February 8th, 2008 | 7:36 pm


    Your FTD link only works for people in the US? otherwise we get sent to Smiley Central!!!

    What about all the bankers who’ve bought a small island and retired?

  6. girl
    February 11th, 2008 | 10:46 am

    @ Wa-izzle:

    If you can afford your own island & insist on hitting up FTD instead of bulgari, you’re pretty screwed my friend (and surely not in the way you’re intending to be).

    @ JD


  7. girly girl
    February 11th, 2008 | 9:46 pm

    Um, don’t you know what goes around comes around? Surely your highly intelligent self has heard of http://www.steakandbjday.com
    You might actually want to put a little effort into Valentine’s day and enjoy a holiday of your own.

  8. Wa-izzle
    February 12th, 2008 | 7:46 am

    @ girl

    Certainly I didn’t mean that I had bought an island and retired! It was purely hypothetical. I clean the docks at Canary Wharf for all those bankers with islands and I was crushed that they may not be able to use FTD.