Relationship Exchange Rates

by Johnny Debacle

In love markets, as in all markets, everything has a price. Listed below is a composite, based on actual trading data from a large market of relationships, of the exchange rates for various relationship activities.

1 day apple picking : 0.75 nights of Poker with the boys
1 week trip with mini-baller friends : 1 asking my gf to move in with me
1 night hanging out with “her” friends : 350 days not hanging out with her friends
1 Brazilian Bikini Wax (for her) : 0.86 trips to Ikea : 0.15 Bikini Wax (for me)
1 unit of taking out the trash : 1.64 nights of her making dinner
1 visit to her family for Christmas : 78 relationship points : 3.4 years of not visiting her family for Christmas
1 affair with her two best friends at the same time : 2 testes (fixed rate)
1 day of watching football : 2.5 hours of Sex & the City : 1 hour of Maid in Manhattan
1 dinner bought by me : 0 anything (based on the rational expectations theory of relationships, you are not compensated for things that are expected)
1 thrown out favorite t-shirt : 1.4 weeks of nude sleep
1 fantasy draft at her apt: 6 months of paying for a cleaning woman to service her apt
1 shopping for bathing suits with her : 17 years of therapy for me

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  1. PairOfSox
    December 19th, 2006 | 10:41 am

    Either your girlfriends are really high maintenance or you don’t expect much from them.

    If your girlfriend freaks out because you take a week vacation without her, she’s co-dependant, so she had better be really hot.

    I’d assume she acts like her friends, so if you don’t want to hang out with them, she better be really hot. If I date a guy, and his friends suck (and I’ll give him the benefit of multiple groups in multiple settings), then he’s gone, because I assume he hasn’t revealed how much he sucks yet.

    1 thrown out favorite shirt should get you way more mileage than 1.4 weeks of nude sleep, if it’s your girlfriend, (not someone you’re just dating, or “dating”) you’re not getting your fair share of nude sleep to begin with (unless it’s really cold in your apt)

    And I hope you’re already living with her if you’re going to her family for Christmas, unless you couldn’t go see your own family.

    You’re clearly not looking for best execution. I hope there’s some sort of soft dollar arrangement.

  2. December 19th, 2006 | 10:47 am

    Women are demanding even when they aren’t in the relationship. Amazing! Maybe men should just all date you?

    This is a composite of actual transactions over the trailing twelve months using an assortment of relationship markets.

  3. WhiteCollarRedneck
    December 19th, 2006 | 10:50 am

    Can you please express this all in candy corn units?

  4. PairOfSox
    December 19th, 2006 | 11:07 am

    One of my best friends from high school works at the NBA and probably watches more sports than you do. I’ll set you guys up.

    Most places that require a 2 bottle minimum (at least $500) for a table, and only has table service, probably isn’t the best place to meet a cool girl. But there’s probably a lot of hot girls. That’s a really high Price/Book. Very growthy.

    Personally, I perfer places like B-Side (a bar in the east village in NY). Their signature $5 shot is a shot of rail wiskey and a can of Reingold. It leaves you with low Price/Free Cash Flow. I’m clearly a value investor.

    You should probably look at something more core like, or a blend. Something that seems a little too hipsterish, but you’ve heard your friends mention. It will probably have value investors trimming on the way up, while growth investors are just getting in.

  5. December 19th, 2006 | 11:21 am

    A relationship point is worth approx 4.7 candy corn units.

  6. PairOfSox
    December 19th, 2006 | 11:36 am

    How can I spend relationship points, and is it possible to leverage relationship points?

    According to this composite I think my relation point return could grow quicker than google’s market cap.

  7. The Corner
    December 19th, 2006 | 1:38 pm

    Uh okay my guess is that Pair of Sox is a retail brokerage sales assistant at a branch in Long Island City who takes time off from studying her Series 7 materials to browse the FiDi blogs (for FiDi see Leveraged Sellout). In any event, I’d love to comment but I’m still licking my wounds from the candy-corn ABORTION I took a couple of months ago.

  8. PairOfSox
    December 19th, 2006 | 1:45 pm

    It would have been funnier if you said I worked at Metrotech, and that I failed the series 7, twice.

  9. Cornelius
    December 19th, 2006 | 4:55 pm

    this was a fairly weak posting.


  10. December 19th, 2006 | 5:10 pm

    How could I improve it? It was more difficult to wrap my head around conceptually than the past exchanges.

    Also I am enjoying your role as Debbie Downer of the comments. Here is your full body of comment work to date.

    “this was a fairly weak posting.


    “why does it look all crappy, though? ”

    “shouldn’t you standardize the conversion rates to make this chart more pragmatic? ”

    Criticism though is extremely valuable, especially when it’s more specific. This kind of feedback allows to do better research and give investors actionable information. Thanks.

  11. Kilian
    December 19th, 2006 | 5:57 pm

    I believe that if the male-female dynamic could be leveraged across the hard liquor segment, there would be a spectacular ‘value-add’ play to be had;

    As a well known adage tells us ‘Girls mature faster than girls’ [OK maybe that was ‘The Wonder Years’ but that Kevin Arnold kid was smart – he had a voiceover waaaay before JD from Scrubs]

    As well known common sense tells us ‘matured whiskey is more valuable’ And if said whiskey is Single Malt Scotch, delicious. Fact.

    ‘Buy’ recommendation on all biotech companies showing potential to bond X-Chromosomes to Single Malt Scotch. Recommend ‘Accumulate’ on companies showing potential to bond X Chromosomes to Blended and other whiskies.

  12. Cornelius
    December 19th, 2006 | 6:26 pm

    I just thought it was lacking context; and it did not match the level of wit I’ve come to expect from this venture.

    K Rgds

  13. Aspiring Mini-Baller
    December 19th, 2006 | 7:36 pm

    What’s with the hatorade going on in the comments section. Looks like some people here didn’t receive enough candy corn in their bonus stockings this year.

  14. December 19th, 2006 | 7:53 pm

    I thought the context is clear or as clear as it’s likely to be with such a thing Execution was more difficult as JD laid out above. We’ll see if we can clean that aspect up.

    Thanks for the feedback. Keeps us in check and we do appreciate it.

  15. The Corner
    December 19th, 2006 | 10:44 pm

    I’ll definitely give props on the original blog entry. Conversion rates in the BF-GF market are completely irrational, unstable, and abstract. The fact that you tapped the various ATS platforms to compile market data like that, now that’s good shiz. Anxiously awaiting for a chance to put a “Bottle service at Home : HJ” bid up on the montage…