Science Will Consume Us All, Literally

by Johnny Debacle

Science is the quest to know, to evolve the communal intelligence of mankind. When we dislike the dark, we invent a light bulb to see. When we dislike too much light from light bulbs (or the sun), we develop sunglasses. When our sunglasses don’t make us look trendy enough, we invent ironic trucker hats. When trucker hats do not fully express the extent to which we are devoid of class and taste, we invent frufru dogs. And so on. That is science.

So it should come as no surprise how the energy crisis has played out. Need –> Invention. Southeast Asia needs a renewable fuel source? Power bikes with piganol. Mortgages are too scarce? Make mortgages out of corn. Corn too expensive in the US? Make ethanol out of pigs. Americans have an excess of calories stored on their bodies and gasoline prices are too high? Turn people into gasoline.

For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator.

As with all amazing breakthroughs, there are some minor technical details that are still being hashed out for this revolutionary renewable energy technology:

Using fat to fuel cars might be environmentally friendly, but it’s definitely illegal in California to use human medical waste to power vehicles, and Bittner is being investigated by the state’s public health department.

Although it’s unclear when Bittner started and stopped making fat fuel or how he made it, his activities came to light after recent lawsuits filed by patients that allege he allowed his assistant and his girlfriend to perform surgeries without a medical license.

Recommendation: Long fatties. We also reiterate our earlier position recommendation:

The play here is to start buying distressed poor American assets and forming farms, ranches or even islands dedicating to housing them and fattening them on low cost / calorie inputs like McDonald’s (NYSE: MCD) dollar menu and corn syrup IVs. Long poor Americans.

HT to Straight Cash Homie

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