Science Will Consume Us All, Literally

by Johnny Debacle

Science is the quest to know, to evolve the communal intelligence of mankind. When we dislike the dark, we invent a light bulb to see. When we dislike too much light from light bulbs (or the sun), we develop sunglasses. When our sunglasses don’t make us look trendy enough, we invent ironic trucker hats. When trucker hats do not fully express the extent to which we are devoid of class and taste, we invent frufru dogs. And so on. That is science.

So it should come as no surprise how the energy crisis has played out. Need –> Invention. Southeast Asia needs a renewable fuel source? Power bikes with piganol. Mortgages are too scarce? Make mortgages out of corn. Corn too expensive in the US? Make ethanol out of pigs. Americans have an excess of calories stored on their bodies and gasoline prices are too high? Turn people into gasoline.

For a time, Beverly Hills doctor Craig Alan Bittner turned the fat he removed from patients into biodiesel that fueled his Ford SUV and his girlfriend’s Lincoln Navigator.

As with all amazing breakthroughs, there are some minor technical details that are still being hashed out for this revolutionary renewable energy technology:

Using fat to fuel cars might be environmentally friendly, but it’s definitely illegal in California to use human medical waste to power vehicles, and Bittner is being investigated by the state’s public health department.

Although it’s unclear when Bittner started and stopped making fat fuel or how he made it, his activities came to light after recent lawsuits filed by patients that allege he allowed his assistant and his girlfriend to perform surgeries without a medical license.

Recommendation: Long fatties. We also reiterate our earlier position recommendation:

The play here is to start buying distressed poor American assets and forming farms, ranches or even islands dedicating to housing them and fattening them on low cost / calorie inputs like McDonald’s (NYSE: MCD) dollar menu and corn syrup IVs. Long poor Americans.

HT to Straight Cash Homie

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  1. Pleb
    December 29th, 2008 | 1:44 pm

    I second your recommendation to long fatties. Caution is warranted in the related market for ugly, however. You might think the ugly market is glutted with the Big Three, Madoff, and the liquidity crisis, but I see an internet bubble-type expansion the entire ugly market. The ~$1 trillion in new gov spending for roads and city bailouts is going to create a market, with subsidiary exchanges for profiteering, fraud, kickbacks, skimming, pork barelling and straight up graft, even before we consider the role of organized crime and increased federal regulatory presence. I suspect we haven’t begun to grasp the potential of how ugly it might get – we’re talking Dow 36,000, y’know, if Dow 36,000 weren’t utter bullshit.

    Beware – eventually, even the voters may get ugly, and at this point profits will plummet, and you don’t want to be left holding the bag. Timing is going to be the key to making ugly profitable.

    Recommendation: follow conventional wisdom and Go Ugly Early for a quick score, but don’t snuggle afterwards – remember to kick it out of your portfolio remorselessly while everybody else is still in the dark and none of your friends have noticed what you did. Otherwise it could get really embarassing.

  2. HF
    December 30th, 2008 | 6:01 am

    Do you think being short weight loss summer camps is more efficient from a fiscal point of view than being long fatties?

  3. JCauto
    December 30th, 2008 | 1:28 pm

    Leave it to California to actually have the need to draft a law prohibiting the use of human waste to power vehicles.

  4. american bandersnatch
    December 30th, 2008 | 2:05 pm

    Biodisel Green is people!

  5. December 31st, 2008 | 11:36 am

    @ HF

    I’d imagine shorting weight-loss camps would be substantially more expensive than going long listed fatties, no?

    @ Bandersnatch

    Damn, beat me to it!

  6. Bondtrader
    January 1st, 2009 | 9:35 am

    OK, I went long fatties by paying my In-laws mortgage this month.

    I haven’t felt this good about a position since the Spring of ’07 when I bought some mezz tranches and B-pieces off a AAA CDO and hedged them by buying protection in CMBX.

    That was at my old job.

  7. HF
    January 2nd, 2009 | 6:35 am


    Well I have just strutured a product where you can gain exposition to short weight loss camps, it works by syntheticaly recreating weight loss camps based on a GARCH model. It is based on extensive research:
    Its name is Ponzi 2x leverage