Short Details, Short Cold E-Mails, Long Vitriol

by Mr Juggles

An email sent to JD on Monday

from:Hopman, Bret < [redacted]@condenast.com>
to: “Hopman, Bret” < [redacted]@condenast.com>

subject: Details Magazine

Good afternoon,
In the upcoming June-July issue of DETAILS (on newsstands Tuesday, June 2), we have a piece that looks at [something probably boring and that won’t be talked about on your site because there is a much better subject for your site].
Here’s the link to the story: [Redacted].
If you are interested in running something online, please be sure to show the cover (attached).

Please let me know if you have any questions or need anything else.

Thanks for your consideration!
Bret

My reply:

Bret Hopman,

I am confused. Is this a request that we run something online about it? Or are you giving us permission (thanks!)?

I’ll give you an idea of how we do things on the internet. You post something in your men’s magazine, I may or (more likely) may not give a shit enough to read it. If I were to give a shit enough to read it, and I was able to find some means of reading it, at that point I may or (more likely) may not give a shit enough to write anything about it on the internet’s most prominent satirical investment site. If, by some minor miracle, like the one that allows that oragutan in Australia to paint beautiful art or the one that allows people like you to navigate the internet and breath through your mouth at the same time, I chose to write anything about it on the internet’s most prominent satirical investment site, I would NOT in any way ask you how I should write about it nor would I care what your opinion was on the subject of whether or not to include the cover in the post. Bret Hopman of men’s magazine Details, get over yourself.

Sinceringly,
Mr. Juggles
longorshortcapital.com

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