Things I In Finance Is Thankful For

by Johnny Debacle

That is actually me at my new job as a Turkey Basting EngineerThis Thanksgiving is going to be a special one for those who work(ed) in finance, so I thought it would be especially helpful to put together a list of what I am thankful for in this new climate:

  1. Employment! You are great, I am sorry that I ever doubted your greatness but rest assured I will never doubt your greatness again! Until my personal wealth cycle is back in bubble land and I am no longer under-overcompensated, at which point I will regain a severe disdain for the thing that prevents me from writing my screenplay/novel/landscape painting full-time.
  2. Owning a gun! Before I thought it was just a way to overcompensate for what I lacked in my pants, now I realize that it belongs in any pragmatist’s “portfolio”.
  3. The Government! If it weren’t for you, these is no way I would be pocketing these unemployment checks which are allowing me to maintain my high cost mistress for 1-2 dates longer than I thought would have been possible after my earning potential suffered a “correction.”
  4. A return to hourly wages! Before, when I used to be on salary, I always found it stressful not knowing the discrete amount of time that I would have to spend to make say, $7.15 before tax. Based on several interviews I have been on recently, I know that for me to make $7.15 before tax, it will now take exactly 1 hour.
  5. Certainty! Previously I didn’t know when the housing bubble would burst, whether there would be independent investment banks, whether any politicians would be held accountable for cramming housing on people and generally putting the short term way ahead of the long term, whether the stock market could really lose 50% of its value in the post-WWII world and who the biggest dick/fraud on the planet was. The answers were 2007, no, no, yes and Greenspan!
  6. Other countries! They are still way worse off than the US and I am thankful for that. The only thing worse than losing substantial wealth and earnings potential is having your ego destroyed. But given that the US is still superior, my ego still beats like the US economy — strong relative to the rest of the world.
  7. Debt! Leverage got us into this mess, so I reckon that it will be leverage that gets us out — go leverage! Buy Treasuries! Unless I know you, then I recommend shorting Treasuries.
  8. The ability to play fast and loose with grammar in post titles and most everywhere else! I is totally thankful for it.
  9. Most of all, our subcriberstakeholdership! Without all of your contributions, none of this would have been possible. And by “this”, I mean specifically fucking up finance, the economy and this country while living an obscene lifestyle for a twentysomething, thirtysomething or an anyagesomething.

This post is much longer than my original one which was just going to be “Nothing, absolutely nothing, you mother fucker”. I do not kiss my mom with this mouth because that would just be weird. Who invented that expression? Oedipus? I am also thankful that he carved out his own eyes. Spoiler alert.

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