Long or Short Capital

Is your child safe from “scrotum”?

This unsettling question is on the minds of America’s parents today as they wake up to a new dawn, one where their children may one day have to read books with words like “scrotum” or “condom” strewn about with frequency. This new word terrorism is being used to disrupt American society by writers and their ilk. But while bad word censorship is naturally beneficial to civilized society, we also see where it can be beneficial to a forward thinking profit seeking publishing company.

Recommendation: Publishers can benefit by creating the products that parents want for their kids — books that lack “adult” words, “big” ideas, and “foreign” concepts.

The keys for a publisher to profit from the war on word terrorism are simple:

1. Use no “Howard Stern-type shock treatment” in your literature. As an example, a passage about a young couple kissing would be inappropriate and likely be censored as it introduces dangerous themes like “love” and “sexuality”. In its place, substitute a passage about the importance of loving your father and mother or a physical fight between people.

li>Avoid words which have even a taint hint of being “adult”. This includes all tri-syllabic (or greater) words, four letter words, sexual terms and annything else as decided on a case by case basis. Good words include “the”, “Mom”, “war” and “fruit”. Bad words includes “them”, “potato”, “condom” and “scrotum”.

2. Avoid depicting situations which too closely resemble reality; this may startle children who are unfamilar with it.
3. “[You] won’t find men’s genitalia in quality literature”. This is the unbreakable rule. Place a banner with this on it and put it somewhere in the line of sight of each of your workers.