Long or Short Capital

Blood diamonds don’t actually contain any blood. Total bait and switch played by the liberal media on the romantic blood enthusiasts out there. The truth is that the current diamond oligopoly doesn’t want to provide consumers with blood diamonds and goes out of their way to ensure not only that the diamonds are not actual blood diamonds, but also that the diamonds are not even so-called blood diamonds. Ridiculous.

This is why we are bullish on LifeGem,to our knowledge the only company out there creating diamonds made out of people. These are actual blood diamonds:

LifeGem is a company offering to synthesize diamonds from the carbonized remains of people or pets. According to Dean VandenBiesen, speaking on the Stan and Terry show May 7, 2007, the company recently became able to create a diamond from a lock of hair.

…

These synthetic diamonds—precisely duplicate natural diamonds in both optical and physical properties—are touted as “memorial diamonds” and range in price from USD $2,500 for 0.20–0.29 carat (40 to 59 mg) stones to $14,000 for stones weighing 0.90–0.99 carats (180–199 mg). The company can extract enough purified carbon from one human body to synthesize up to 50 gems weighing one carat (0.2 g) each. As little as 227 g of remains are needed to make one diamond. Diamonds made from the cremains of pets are priced the same as those made from human remains, but the size of the animal may be a limiting factor. As of March 2005, LifeGem says it has served 1,000 families since the company’s founding.

Recommendation: Long LifeGem; just imagine how blown away your wife/GF/mistress will be when you give her a diamond not only from your heart, but of your heart.

In terms of understanding corporate finance, economists have it all wrong when they say “there is no free lunch”. Rather, the more appropriate comment ought to be “somebody has to pay for lunch – and it isn’t going to be me.”
Martin Whitman, Portfolio Manager of Third Avenue Value Fund

Past Quotes Entirely Relevant to Investing

Being that today is the celebration of US Independence from the tyranny of bad teeth, we thought we would similarily set our reader survey data free from the tyranny of us not setting it free.

Long or Short Capital Blog Reader Survey Results

The digest profile of you, our reader:

• Very white
• Very male
• Urban
• 27
• On your way to a post graduate degree or making $100k+ as an “Analyst” in the finance/banking industry
• Republican
• Watch the Colbert Report
• Have not shopped at Wal*Mart in the last month
• And never consume Tequila

We’ll be seeing you there.

When the Journal gets its Page 3 girls, we’ll make sure they have MBAs.
Rupert Murdoch

Past Quotes Entirely Relevant to Investing

Engage.com is looking for a “smart person who gets things done “. That’s how you get done getting other people to get it done. You ask for it.

Hat tip to reader Reg.

Stephen Schwarzman is clearly a d-bag. Some evidence from recent NYT and WSJ articles:

When he pursues deals as the chief executive of Blackstone Group, he says, he wants to “inflict pain” on and “kill off” his rivals.

Buddy, you put together deals with other d-bags and the most lethal weapon at your disposal is your Montblanc. You are not a warrior so give it a break.

Mr. Zeugin says he often spends $3,000 for a weekend of food for Mr. Schwarzman and his wife, including stone crabs that cost $400, or $40 per claw. (Mr. Schwarzman says he had no idea how much the crabs cost.)

I like to eat as much as the next guy but unless Thomas Keller is your personal chef, I can’t fathom spending $3k per weekend on food. Also, if you’re spending $400 on stone crabs for lunch every day, own it and embrace your d-bagness.

When Blackstone colleagues prepared a video tribute, he sought to squelch any roasting, asking his peers not to poke fun at him.” You have your colleagues prepare a tribute video and don’t even let them poke a little fun? Sheesh.
-“During his acceptance speech for the “Legend in Leadership Award,” Mr. Schwarzman took a call on his cellphone. “There’s a crisis going on,” he told the audience.”

Leadership is waiting until the end of your Leadership Award acceptance speech to take a phone call.

But it’s nice to see that the D-bags Who Run Our Country (Congress) have decided to rain on Stevie’s parade.

Two United States senators last night introduced legislation that could significantly increase taxes on publicly traded private equity firms and hedge funds.

Ooops.

What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning.
Heisenberg

Past Quotes Entirely Relevant to Investing

Prince Albert, not to be confused with his cousin Fat, may have been a mini-baller before the concept was created. Was he the first?

From a history of Royal Albert Hall at British History Online:

One respect in which the hall as built was consonant with the Prince’s ideas was in its financing by private rather than public money…
In August 1864, while on the train to Norwich, he wrote to tell Grey what he had decided. ‘I have come to the conclusion that the only way to get the Memorial Hall done is to do it!’

1864 is now the earliest example we have of someone (knowingly) getting it done.

Hat Tip: Felix at Portfolio

Most commentators believe that the FTC’s decision to block Whole Foods (NASDAQ: WFMI) acquisition of Wild Oats (NASDAQ: OATS) is idiotic because the FTC is making organic food markets out to be a relevant market definition. These commentators would have you believe that the numerous, large supermarket chains who are now stocking more organic goods will provide more competition in the future, even after this merger has been allowed.

But who are the real fools here. The FTC is actually acting with wisdom seldom seen from a government agency. The relevant market is not organic food purveyors but rather supermarkets with service.

The lawsuit quotes [the Whole Foods CEO] as saying that the company “isn’t primarily about organic foods” but “only one part of its highly successful business model,” citing as others “superior quality, superior service, superior perishable product, superior prepared foods, superior marketing, superior branding and superior store experience.” – WSJ

Frankly, I agree. I spent 20min waiting in the deli line at Food Lion last week, only to be sold ground beef that looked like it had been dropped on the floor and then put back in the deli case. I love superior quality and superior service and abhor the idea that Whole Foods could acquire the only other superior provider, Wild Oats. At that point, given their monopoly on quality service, what would happen next? I’ll tell you what: we’d probably all end up paying a huge premium for our smoked gouda and wild Alaskan salmon.

HP’s new camera offers an “artistic effect” that slims the subjects. Now you can take pictures of your fat friends and make them look (almost) like normal people.

Here are a few other “artistic effects” that we’d like to see:

• Enlarge my wallet
• Remove Johnny Debacle
• Make people look fat (mainly a revenge feature for ex-gf, etc.)
• Give me a chin
• Turn any female butt shot into a Biel butt

Payin anything to roll the dice,
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on
Journey, “Don’t Stop Believin”

Past Quotes Entirely Relevant to Investing

With the pending release of our quarterly financials, and facing a lack of appealing growth opportunities, we have decided to focus on growing the entire category and pushing the needle that way. In light of this, we have added a list of sites under “Undervalued Assets” which will be populated with smaller, undervalued investing or financial blogs in whom our readers should consider investing. Think of it is as a watch list of small cap blogs. If you know of sites that fit this criteria or are a site that fits this definition, shoot an email to misterjuggles@gmail.com. We only require good content or cash bribes, but please do not be insulted if we add you or take you off after adding you, we intend to have it a healthy amount of rotation to make it more useful.

Dear LoS,

I work long hard hours in my bank and it’s rare that I have any time to develop a relationship or even to find a one night stand. It’s gotten to the point where I have recently begun fantasizing about Lupita, the 4’6″ bell-shaped woman who cleans our office after 8pm. She may not be pretty, but I’m 80% confident she is a woman. Would it be wrong for me to develop a purely physical relationship with her?

Cleaning dirty,
Henry Meeker

Henry,

While Lupita may sate the needs of your physical manhood, she will not serve the needs of your heart in the long run. Worse, she will put your pride at risk. At first, it will start physical. You will assure yourself and her that there will be no kissing and that you would do it b-side only. But as you suck the teet of nominal human warmth, you will become addicted to its nourishing milk.

Your affair will be a forbidden love, a romantic lambada, reserved for the shadows of the weeknight night, in closets and bathroom stalls, the scent of Windex clinging to the air, not unlike how you cling to her fupa. If this dalliance were to be uncovered (and the smell that would permanently waft off of you would ensure it), it would spell ruin for you. No massaging of the numbers can hide the indelible mark Lupita would imprint on the balance sheet of your manhood.

Regards,
LoS