Kim Jong-il, Mini-Baller

by Sir Equity Go

I like to wear my shades at nightIn studying Jong-il, we have uncovered that while his foreign policy strategy of “apocalypse for sustenance” is suspect, he is perhaps the world’s biggest mini-baller. has reported that Jong-il spends upwards of $700,000 on Hennessey per year or roughly 3,500 bottles. What could he be doing to consume that runrate of alcohol? Straight-mini balling: malnourished models & bottles.

Jong-il was married to a woman named Kim Young-suk, and he still managed to father thirteen illegitimate children. His manhood is reportedly shaped like a fist (it can knock you out) and can hold a golf club well enough that it shot five hole-in-ones in one round of golf, finishing at 38 under par. Only a handful of professional golfers have ever shot under a 60 in competition, but Kim Jong-il shot a 34 on his first round with his elephant trunk.

Perhaps the most profound proof of Jong-il’s mini-ballerhood is that he plans to win the nuclear arms race with after ceding the world a 60-year head start and with GDP 1/60th the size of that of NY state. He knows that it’s not about your skills, or the size of your bank account, but what you DO with those skills to reduce the size of that bank account.

Recommendation: Long or Short Capital recommends that Kim Jong-il is appropriate for almost any diversified global portfolio as an insurance policy against chaos and international instability; he demonstrates a low correlation to reason and sanity.

Sir Equity Go is a contributing assistant to the assistant director of research at Long or Short Capital.

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