Kim Jong-il, Mini-Baller

by Sir Equity Go

I like to wear my shades at nightIn studying Jong-il, we have uncovered that while his foreign policy strategy of “apocalypse for sustenance” is suspect, he is perhaps the world’s biggest mini-baller. has reported that Jong-il spends upwards of $700,000 on Hennessey per year or roughly 3,500 bottles. What could he be doing to consume that runrate of alcohol? Straight-mini balling: malnourished models & bottles.

Jong-il was married to a woman named Kim Young-suk, and he still managed to father thirteen illegitimate children. His manhood is reportedly shaped like a fist (it can knock you out) and can hold a golf club well enough that it shot five hole-in-ones in one round of golf, finishing at 38 under par. Only a handful of professional golfers have ever shot under a 60 in competition, but Kim Jong-il shot a 34 on his first round with his elephant trunk.

Perhaps the most profound proof of Jong-il’s mini-ballerhood is that he plans to win the nuclear arms race with after ceding the world a 60-year head start and with GDP 1/60th the size of that of NY state. He knows that it’s not about your skills, or the size of your bank account, but what you DO with those skills to reduce the size of that bank account.

Recommendation: Long or Short Capital recommends that Kim Jong-il is appropriate for almost any diversified global portfolio as an insurance policy against chaos and international instability; he demonstrates a low correlation to reason and sanity.

Sir Equity Go is a contributing assistant to the assistant director of research at Long or Short Capital.

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  1. Angryanalyst
    October 31st, 2006 | 9:45 am

    Mini-baller…are you sure?

    Baller Definition:
    1. You don’t have a savings account, just a HUGE checking account – North Korean National Treasury What bigger checking account can you have? Run out of money – just print more!
    2. You make use of private air travel – He must have a version of Airforce One.
    3. You have outrageously expensive clothes, all of which were given to you for free – Certainly not charging on his own Am Ex!
    4. You’re dating a smoking hot babe – Dictators get the best women.
    5. You’ve never heard of a mini-baller – Without a doubt Kim has never heard of a mini-baller

    In relation to other nations – definetly a mini-baller, but per the baller definition Kim is the ultimate baller.

  2. RC
    October 31st, 2006 | 10:54 am

    Kim doesn’t have a version of Air Force One. He rides in a train when he takes trips.

    But it’s his own person train. With piles of nacho’s & cheese, and swedish porno.

    I still vote for mini-baller.

  3. October 31st, 2006 | 11:03 am

    It’s a tough call. A mini-baller is really a wannabe who overcompensates with his entire undercompensated nature.

    “4. You’re dating a smoking hot babe – Dictators get the best women.”

    He is alleged to have a thing for swedish prostitues. That’s neither baller nor mini conclusively. I’d say it’s closer to the latter. Ballers are given what they would have to pay for, they don’t have to pay to bang easy women.


    He probably hasn’t heard of a baller either. It’s not a function of him being too cool for mini-ballin’, but really a function of him living in North Korea, his own personal police state echo chamber.

    “1. Checking account”

    When he prints more, he’s causing the money he has to be worth less, so it does have aspects of living paycheck to paycheck.

    Strong points though AngryAnalyst.

    November 4th, 2006 | 9:49 pm

    Yes I am a baller. I have dozens of swedish women and they all need quantities of cognac. More detail here on my website, my american friends.