Market’s April Fool’s Joke

by Mr Juggles

Facts admitted to in the last 24 hours:

  • UBS (NYSE: UBS) needs to raise $15 billion in capital
  • UBS wrote down $19 billion
  • UBS chairman is leaving
  • Deutsche Bank (NYSE: DB) admits they are lying bastards by only writing down $4 billion
  • Lehman (NYSE: LEH) is trying to raise $3 to 4 billion in capital

Market reaction pre-opening from the

Stock futures extended gains as investors opened the books on a new quarter by betting that the latest write-downs from UBS and Deutsche Bank have put most of the worst damage to banks and brokers from the credit crisis out in the open. 9:10 a.m.

Recommendation: Hey everybody, April Fool’s!

Postscript: The Dow Rallied 391 points on the day, no joke

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  1. The Fox
    April 1st, 2008 | 9:39 am

    What the hell is wrong with the market? How many times has the market thought that it has reached a bottom and is now ready to go back into bull markets? Call me crazy but isn’t the biggest problem with the sub prime crisis is that we don’t know how deep it goes? Honestly! I think we are setting ourselves up yet again. Its time to be defensive.

  2. To The Hilt
    April 1st, 2008 | 9:46 am

    The subprime crisis goes to 11.

  3. April 1st, 2008 | 10:30 am

    This is fucking insane. Up 10%? I guess this is what it must have felt like watching the tickers in the dotcom boom. I’m glad I’ve got no money on the line in this market anymore. I apologise in advance for the offensive simile, but it’s as if the market is entirely populated by retarded children.

  4. Size
    April 1st, 2008 | 10:58 am

    It doesn’t matter how deep the mortgage mess is, the former CEO of the Princeton economics department will be able to rescue our $14 trillion economy by inflating our way out of a recession and preventing trading in MBS’s and CDO’s (if we get past the fiction that the Fed’s lone buying of this trash is “trading”). No trading. No price. No worries.

    Thus, good news is good news and bad news is even better. Simple. Genius. I’m sure it’ll totally work.

  5. jag
    April 1st, 2008 | 11:40 am

    There’s nothing like the sweet smell of shorts roasting over an open fire. Smells like… Victory.

  6. WTF Jr.
    April 1st, 2008 | 11:42 am

    Supply and demand my friends. No need to say WTF (Jr.) today! No. We are simply in dire need of positive market news and the market is responding. I for one welcome this refreshing change in tone. The monotonous droning of write-offs, lay-offs, and… numbers is harmful to long term market growth. We need to look up! UP! Even if we are falling!

  7. April 1st, 2008 | 12:30 pm

    long canned goods. Short pieces of paper with dead white guys on them.

  8. Aspiring Mini-Baller
    April 1st, 2008 | 1:53 pm

    Someone needs to track down Jerome Kerviel. I’m pretty sure SocGen’s Delta One desk is behind this brouhaha.

  9. coop
    April 1st, 2008 | 2:06 pm

    To the Hilt: Very funny, and very subtle joke. I enjoyed it. Please write more funny comments. Thanks.

  10. born to lose
    April 1st, 2008 | 5:10 pm

    yeah, clown! dance for me!

  11. zeke
    April 1st, 2008 | 11:00 pm

    The retarded children aren’t getting your jokes. Please no more funny comments.

  12. To The Hilt
    April 2nd, 2008 | 9:25 am

    you win some you lose some i guess

  13. zeke
    April 2nd, 2008 | 12:04 pm

    That’s better.

  14. Peter
    April 2nd, 2008 | 2:58 pm

    ‘course the Dow rallied – dumb fund manager know only standard phrases like “the trend is your friend” or “buy low” – now they assume that it is the low – poor idiots (especially those who buy these funds)

  15. JCauto
    April 3rd, 2008 | 8:57 am

    You tell ’em, Peter! Stupid fund managers with their fancy-pants college degrees, disciplined investment strategies and years of experience. Buy gold and Confederate war bonds! The South will rise again!

  16. To The Hilt
    April 3rd, 2008 | 10:01 am

    Not a bad idea. I like the risk/reward.