Open Letter to Those Who Would Write For Us

by Mr Juggles

We get countless solicitations from hungry young pups who want to write for us. In the past we have replied one off, but the volume has grown so huge of late that we are posting this open letter to all those who would write for us in a post we have creatively titled “Open Letter to Those Who Would Write For Us.”

Dear Sir(s)/Madame(s)/Cephalopod,

Thanks for your correspondence. We started this site when we were young and only had 20-50 years of investment experience each. We were all at that stage in one’s career when one isn’t too jaded and still has a sense of humor. That stage when one makes a humble eight figures and hasn’t grown too full of oneself — when one can still laugh at oneself while detesting everyone richer and poorer than one. More importantly, we were at that stage when one can still generate abstract financial investments ideas that produce strong inflation-adjusted (key in this era of Quantitative Easy) fake returns.

The entire LoS staff barrels towards that dreaded 50 years of investment experience mark as we type this up. It’s only a matter of time before we read Rick Reilly unironically — we shudder at the thought. As is we still manage to write at a breakneck “almost yearly” tempo. That kind of posting cadence won’t always be possible for us, so your timing in emailing us is…timely. And your taste in sites for which to write is impeccable. Let’s take a sentence here and celebrate you. But we don’t know how funnily you can write. There are 2 ways to prove yourself:

  1. Pay us money. Nothing is funnier than money and everyone knows we have a great sense of humor. An expensively acquired sense of humor if you know what I mean. I think you do. Think of a sum. Then triple it. Then pay us that sum. If this option seems right for you, let us know and we will provide you the appropriate Dogecoin instructions. For advanced bribers, remit the appropriate sums to our Dogecoin address: DPCxKFnmJ86jCciLbnrCBmrgnsWdqcE1qe.
  2. Pass our elite examination. This costs only your soul. What we typically do is have an exercise where we give the writer (that’s you!) 3 things that they have to turn into an abstract financial recommendation. Representative example drawn from past exercise: Syrian chemical weapons, the SEC, and Comic-Con. Good luck. Don’t break 600 words! We then evaluate your submission. If it’s good enough, we refer you back to 1) because we are capitalists and desperately want more money and now that you’re hooked on this whole “getting in” exercise, we likely can soak you for a few more shekels.

If you succeed with either 1) or 2), we can celebrate with a drink. A drink you buy for all of us.

Cheers,
Mr. Juggles
longorshortcapital.com

p.s.

How tall are you? And what’s your vertical leap? We have an intraoffice volleyball league; captains of the various teams will want to know your stats for scouting purposes.

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