Sometimes the sell-side sucks, other times they’re just annoying.

by Kaiser Edamame

The sell-side is full of hard working people and this isn’t meant to offend any of them, they usually have valuable information. My gripe with them is that they are flippant, fickle, waffley, double-talkers. The examples of this are countless, but today I’ll focus on two recent research report titles that have shown up in my inbox:

“Alstom: Full Steam Ahead – NEUTRAL”

Alstom’s earnings are going “Full Steam Ahead” just like the choo-choo trains they manufacture, but this analyst would prefer to wait for PROOF that margins are still going up before recommending buying it. Good idea analyst, chances are the stock will stay at a full-steam standstill in the meantime and will only go upAFTER they prove margins are going higher.

“El Paso Corp. (EP.N): Initiation of Coverage:When Opportunity Knocks, It’s Time to Listen; Equal-weight”

Well done again analyst, after months of research and a lengthy initiation report he has determined that opportunity is knocking on his doorin the form of El Paso. Upon hearing this knock he recommends jumping out of bed, putting on yourholdneutral robe, answering the door, and saying “Hi El Paso, I know you want to give me free money but these equalweight panties im wearing are all in a bunch, so you’ll have to come back later after you’ve appreciated 30%”.

Recommendation: Short sell-side analysts, long analrapists.

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